HAPPY in the HARD (aka Choose Joy!) American Mother's Website article

Happy in the Hard

Last year my longtime dream of running the Boston Marathon came to fruition for the second time. I was on cloud nine with great hopes of running it yet again in the future. Then, without warning, things took a sharp turn. Adversity seemed to strike in the blink of an eye without notifying me or alerting me it was on its way.

One of my all-time favorite quotes is by Martha Washington, who said, “I've learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our disposition and not on our circumstances.”

I always thought I believed that, but then life happened.

I’ve always tried to maintain a high level of fitness and health, but I learned firsthand that life is fragile and no matter how much we take care of ourselves, our bodies can still sell us out and surprise us with things we never anticipated.

Beginning in the late November last year, I was told I had a herniated disk. While I was trying to process that in my mind and how it would affect me as a runner I was diagnosed with breast cancer. That news came out of nowhere. Then two weeks before Christmas a fun family outing resulted in a snowmobile crushing my right leg from the knee to my ankle, breaking my fibula and tearing all my ligaments. At the time I did not fully realize the extent of the damage or how long the recovery would be. Showing up three days later for my cancer surgery in a wheelchair was not part of my plan. The surgery went as well as could be expected, but the following day I was diagnosed with blood clots in my leg. You could say I was feeling a bit overwhelmed, but also very grateful the clots were discovered (thanks to my physician husband) which literally saved my life. Still, I was unable to walk or put any weight on my leg and so I was basically laid up for several months. Not wanting to be left out of the party I was having, my mom was rushed to the hospital with chest pain and ended up having a quadruple bypass on Christmas Eve. Due to my current situation, I regretfully was unable to be there. How grateful I was that her 99% blockage hadn’t resulted in any permanent damage.

With my mom’s trauma under control my focus centered on treating my breast cancer.  Having had friends go through chemotherapy and radiation, I had an unsettling fear and worry about the whole process.  Although my surgeon was fairly certain I would need chemotherapy, I was grateful when my oncotype score revealed I would only need five weeks of radiation. During this time I was also diagnosed with severe osteoporosis, but my oncologist still insisted I be on hormone therapy pills for the next 10 years. Despite all that, the relief of not being subjected to chemotherapy was perhaps the best Christmas present I have ever received.

My activity came to a complete stop as I convalesced for the next several months. This was foreign to me. I had to use a walker for the very little activity I could do, like getting in the shower or going to doctor appointments and radiation treatments at the Huntsman. Just putting on a single sock in the morning took a good five minutes or more. It was rather comical. I began to see how much I took for granted in my pre-injured life and was filled with deep gratitude for all the things I could still do. 

It wasn’t all bad however. Being forced to slow down in my daily life was actually kind of sweet. I just pretended that I was in a luxurious spa every day where people brought me three meals a day and took care of all my previous obligations, while I sat around watching old movies and catching up on my reading. Truth be told, I actually did very little reading because it took too much brain power. My brain was working overtime trying to heal a very long list of ailments and there was little energy left in it for much else. Kind of how motherhood makes you feel at times!  However, it was a nice respite from the fast paced life I was used to and not having a to-do list other than healing was freeing.

Despite the slower pace, this was a very challenging and frustrating time for me, but I knew I had a choice in how I responded. Early on I decided that I was going to focus on three things as I tried to patiently endure. I was going to approach this time with positivity, gratitude and humor. It wasn’t always easy, but making that decision going into it really helped me pull through some rough patches and made it possible to find happiness in the hard.

In March I received news that my talus (ankle) bone had died due to a lack of blood flow. The specialist called it avascular necrosis (AVN). He told me that due to the injury I would no longer be able to run. I was devastated. Those who know me know that is even worse than asking me to give up chocolate!  Running is one of my greatest blessings.  It is my therapy. Despite this news, I was filled with deep gratitude that I would at least walk normally again. However, the stubbornness in me chose to focus on the hope that I would run eventually.

In June I decided to see another specialist to get a second opinion and a new MRI. Thankfully, after much prayer and fasting, this doctor told me that my ankle was alive and there were no signs of AVN. I was gratefully stunned at the miracle I had received. As I write this, things are starting to get back to normal, and even though running is still in the far distant future, I am filled with gratitude that it is now a possibility.

Circumstances in life are not always ideal.  In fact, most of the time they aren’t. So, how can we still be happy when life gets hard? 

We all have challenges in our lives and we will have more in the future. That is a given. Most of them we can’t change or control. We can only control how we choose to react to them. One thing we know for certain is that we all only have a limited number of days here on earth. Each day we can either choose to focus on what we don’t have or focus on all we do have and be grateful for it. If we put our focus on gratitude and being positive, we can learn to laugh through our toughest challenges and we will feel the joy. 

In my home I have a sign with a quote by Gordon Hinckley. It says, “In all of living have much fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured.”  That is pure wisdom right there, but ofttimes, we think we are only going to find joy once our trials and hardships are removed, when the truth is joy can be found  right in the midst of our adversity. Happiness is in the journey, so cherish the moments.

Time is so precious. Life is a gift. It is truly a miracle. It is ours for the embracing. Embrace it. Enjoy it. And while doing so reach for and find that joy despite what your circumstances may currently be. The choice is yours.

-Jodi Wilding

Friday the 13th!

When I heard that Friday is the 13th, as in Friday the 13th, my heart skipped a beat or two and nearly went in to atrial fibrillation!  I am in fear of this day this year!  I usually don't pay much attention to the dreaded day because I have never experienced much bad luck on it with the exception of falling from a playground slide in the 4th grade.  I'm really not superstitious and so it's never been an issue for me....until THIS year!  I'm almost afraid to drive or run right now!

This year, even though we are only into it for 12 days, has been like Friday the 13th EVERY SINGLE DAY!  I feel like for the past few weeks, we have had a black cloud hanging over our heads that won't leave!  It's almost getting to be a joke!  Today that dark cloud was looming heavily.  I lost $300 cash!

They say these things come in threes.  Around here it's been in 33's!  PLEASE STOP!  

Here is the short  list of a few of the things that have gone wrong since the cloud has been hovering:

• Our four year old fridge which we just spent a small fortune on in repair calls and had the compressor replaced a couple months ago, went out again and is irreparable this time which means we need a BRAND NEW FRIDGE!
• My phone fell in the tub when I was leaning over to pull the plug when Carson was in it.  I just had the LCD fixed 10 days ago and a new screen put on it 6 weeks before that amounting to almost $200. As soon as it fell in the tub, I put it in rice and did everything to help it recover, but after six hours of iQue trying to fix it, it is also irreparable which means I need a BRAND NEW PHONE! 
• My computer has stopped working efficiently and a message popped up this week saying the storage is full and unless I make more space, it says it will crash and I will lose everything.  Thousands of photos!  That problem is ongoing and we have been trying to free up space.  
• The laptop has quit working properly.
• Our cable TV quit working ("somethings not quite right") and we had to have a repairman come and replace the box and remote.
• My gas fireplace in my room quit working during our sub zero temps and the repair work is quite extensive.
• The VCR as well as the DVD player are no longer working right.
• The heater in my car went out the week it was 15 below zero!  
• Dave's phone he has had for at least five years, will no longer hold a charge.
• Two of our shower heads are not working right.
• Dave sat on his glasses and broke them.
• The command strips I used to hang up my garland so the paint wouldn't rip off, ripped off a HUGE chunk of my newly painted entry way when I removed it!  
• The Escalade brakes are not working right and we just had them worked on a few months ago.

*I just noticed the above list contains 13 things.  Maybe 13 isn't a good number on Friday the 13th!  I'm going to add a few more just to be safe! And I say I'm not superstitious!

• The vacuum broke (right when I need to clean up pine needles!) and needs to be taken to the vacuum ER for some care.  This may sound minor BUT it's huge to me!
• Dave has falling ceiling tiles in his office at the clinic due to the heavy snow and flooded his office and all his paperwork.  Luckily, the computer was okay.  Bryce shoveled the snow off the building's roof taking him two NINE hour days!  And he already has a bad back!
•  I made 21 miniature muffin houses for the refreshments for my Homemaker's meeting and only 7 women attended.  

But today topped them all.  I had $300 cash in my back pocket to pay for my new phone and when I went to get it out to give to the girl I bought it from, it was gone!  G.O.N.E.  I was sick!  Wanting to puke SICK!  I retraced my steps and went back to every single store I had been to.  Luckily, there were only five.  If I hadn't had to kill 90 minutes waiting for her to get home, I would have gone right to her house and it wouldn't have happened.  As I was retracing my steps, I kept praying to Heavenly Father that I would find the money but I told Him if I didn't find it, then to PLEASE make sure whoever found it was someone that needed it more than I did.  As I was praying while driving, I drove past a blinking sign at a gas station that had the time and temperature on it.  The time said 4:44.  I KNEW that was Heavenly Father's way of informing me that all was well and to not worry about the money, even if I didn't find it because He was in charge and it was meant to be.  The number 444 is significant to me because I heard it means angels are near and when I ran my first marathon and felt the presence of Tyson helping me to that finish line, my final time was 4:44.  It's a long story, but those numbers are special to me.

I never found the cash.  I knew it was a futile attempt to even go back to the stores, but sometimes people are honest and will turn in money they find.  Not this time.  For all I know, I dropped it in the parking lot.  The craziest thing about it is the fact that I put the money in my back pocket of my jeans but I had a very long sweater on and so I know I couldn't have been pick pocketed.  I am not sure HOW it happened because it makes no logical sense how it could have got out of my pocket, but somehow it did. Sigh...

So basically my new (used) phone cost me $600!  UGH!  I could have had a brand new iPhone 7 for almost that!  I kept thinking of all the things I could have done with that money, and it just depressed me.  So, I changed my thinking and thought of all the good it could do for whoever was lucky enough to find it.  I pray it will go to good use and the person that found it was praying for money to drop from heaven to help with their problems and I was an answer to their prayers.  I am totally fine if that is what happened to it.  But, I will most likely never know. 

Things are going to wrong no matter what. I understand that.  That is the nature of life.  I'm just not used to having so many happen all at once. And like I said, that's just the short list.  There are MANY more that I didn't add to the list.  However, almost all of the problems we have been having are fixable with money.  Dave always says, "If money will fix it, it's not a problem."   So, I guess that means they are not problems, just inconveniences. 

On my way home, I said a prayer thanking Heavenly Father for my family, my warm home, a body that is healthy,  a wonderful network of friends and extended family, and for the things that are going right and not broken.

It would be easy to FOCUS on all these things that are going wrong, but...I have the power to choose to instead FOCUS on all the things that are going right!  Those things far out number the ones that aren't.  And for that I am extremely grateful!  And... I am even grateful for the bad things, even when they come in droves, because enduring them makes me a better person.

Blue skies from now on!  And even if a black cloud appears in that blue sky, it's still mostly a blue sky!  And that is all that matters!

And sometimes amazing and wonderful things appear in that blue sky right next to those black clouds IF you are looking for them!

But, I am still thinking I might stay in bed all day tomorrow so as not to push my luck! Hah!

What I Know For Sure (Can't Change It)

I like to change, but I don't like change.  Huh?

We all want to change our lives but we don't want our lives to change.  Huh?

Let me explain.  I like to improve myself through change in order to become a better person, but when it comes to things in my life that I have no control over and that I am used to being a certain way, I do not embrace change at all. 

Certain changes like children growing up, people moving away, friendships that end, having to relocate, losing a loved one...mostly those inevitable changes that are part of life that we have no control over, are the things I have a hard time accepting.

The one thing we can't change is change.   And the only thing that won't change is that life is always changing.  Change is constant.

We all want to change our lives but we don't want our lives to change. 

I am not a big fan of change. Sometimes I embrace it, but other times I resist it even when it's inevitable, and change is always inevitable.

Heraclitus, a Greek philosopher illustrated the point about change being ever present by saying, “No man ever steps into the same river twice”. An ever flowing river is there, yet the water in it keeps changing so that from one second to the next, it's not the same river. 

What I know for sure is that everything in life is temporary.  We tend to think that things will last forever.  They won't.  Nothing lasts forever.  Each time I was pregnant I thought I would feel that way for the rest of my life.  I didn't.  Every time it rains, it stops.  Every time you fall, you get up.  Every time darkness comes, light follows.  We are shown that every single morning, but still we often forget.  

I have always said that if things are good right now, enjoy it.  It won't last forever.  If things are bad right now, endure it.  It won't last forever either.  When we remember all things (whether they be good or bad) are temporary in this life, we are able to feel more gratitude and less resistance.  It helps us accept what is because we realize it is only temporary.

There are many things in life that are out of our control and we simply can't change no matter how much we desire to.  Once we accept that we can't change them, we experience emotional freedom and peace.

“The pain that you create now is always some form of non-acceptance; some form of unconscious resistance to what is.” -Eckhart Tolle, author, The Power of Now
  
I heard a motivational speaker named Hal Elrod who was in a near fatal car accident talk about the power of acceptance. He was severely injured in the crash and told he would never walk again.  He endured many long months of difficult therapy.  During his recovery he became aware of the power of acceptance and realized there is no value in feeling bad about anything that he couldn’t change.  He realized that all of his emotional pain (anger, regret, frustration, sadness, worry, etc.) came about only when he resisted something that he couldn’t change.  He said, "To the degree that we wish or want something to be different that cannot be different, is the degree that we create pain for ourselves."

He says, "One day I was running late for work and sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Normally I would spend the entire drive feeling tense, frustrated, and wishing and wanting that traffic would move faster! But as soon as I began to feel myself getting upset, I said aloud, “Can’t Change It” and took a deep breath… realizing that I couldn’t change the fact that I was running late, couldn’t change the speed of the traffic, and I couldn’t control my manager’s response when I arrived late to work—but I COULD CHOOSE how I spent my time getting there—I chose to relax my tense shoulders, reflect for a moment on all that I had to be grateful for, and turn up the radio…  What a better way to spend my time in traffic (and in life)!"

Maybe we can't change our circumstances, but we always have a choice in how we respond to those circumstances.  We can either resist them, or accept them.  It's a choice.  Our choice.  And the choice we make determines how we will experience life.

One of my heroes is Viktor Frankl who was a Holocaust survivor.  He endured great suffering while a prisoner of a concentration camp.  In his book Man's Search for Meaning, he stated, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”  He also said, “When we can no longer change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” 

Just because our life isn't easy at the moment, doesn't mean we can't laugh and smile.  Just because something isn't going exactly as we planned doesn't mean we can't still enjoy the things that are going right. 

Every minute of every day we have a choice.  We can accept and make the best of it.  Or we can resist. 

What I know for sure is our lives will be filled with things we have no control over and can't change.  When we accept "it is what it is" and tell ourselves, "Can't Change It", we will be able to live our lives with much greater peace and happiness.  
 

*Monday Memos*

*Monday Memos*

 

dear busy week, I am very glad I survived you and that you are over!

dear baby raccoons, you are the cutest and most adorable little critters!  You are much smaller than you look in the photos.  You were hanging out in our waterfall (no water on) and licking the rocks.  You were totally oblivious to me standing nearby taking your picture.  I think your mama may be gone and you are on your own.  Dave isn't too fond of you and would be happy if you were in a trap.  I, on the other hand, think you are as cute as can be.  I know, I know, you can grow up and become a nuisance, mainly due to rabies and terrorizing cats, but you are still cute right now.  By the way,  if you touch my cat, you will no longer be cute to me either.  But I am sure you two little adorable things couldn't hurt anything.  Now, if we can find a way to keep you babies!  One winter we left a bucket of ice cream out on the back deck because we couldn't fit it in our freezer.  The next morning we went outside to find the lid off of the bucket and no ice cream left.  There were chocolate paw prints (raccoon  paw prints) all across the deck.  I'm sure you're ancestors had quite the party that night. 

dear dave, I know you did NOT want to fix my lighthouse, but thanks for doing it anyway.  You thought it was a piece of junk but I'm glad I convinced you otherwise.  Once you repaired the broken mortar parts, and I painted it, it looked like new.  I just wish we could have fixed the light so it would work.  But I am grateful we were able to get it looking presentable so I could use it for my workshop this week.

dear sharing station for relief society, five minutes was not long enough.  I was asked to do a presentation on how we can discover our inner beauty through service, since one of my callings in my church is the Humanitarian Coordinator.  At first I was going to talk about all the service opportunities that are available in our community and take that route, but then I felt inspired to talk about how our words can be a service to others.  I focused mainly on complimenting others with kind words.  I am a theme person and so I knew I needed a theme and I decided to go with the lighthouse.  I tied it in to how we are all like a lighthouse keeper and someone is always out there caught in the storms of life and they need someone to be that beacon of light that rescues them from the storm.  I talked about something so easy and simple as our words can be that beacon to someone.  We really never know the impact our words can have on others.

I was to present it seven times and I was given five minutes for each time.  FIVE minutes!  Who can present something in just five minutes?  Well, somehow we all did.  There were seven stations all together.  We each ended up presenting only five times and got a couple of breaks to hit the other stations, which was nice.  I was talking to my sweet friend Bonnie who was presenting hers on poise and we both said, for the amount of time this took to prepare, only having five minutes to present is kind of insane!   She is like me, in that we tend to over prepare and over do things.  We both made each other promise we wouldn't go all out.  But in the end, she did anyway.  She said I did too, but I really didn't. The hardest part was when someone wanted to make a comment!  Just one comment could take the entire five minutes depending on who it was!  haha 

One of the best parts of the night happened in one of the groups after I had them do an activity.  I had them compliment the person next to them and told them the only thing they could say was thank you after receiving the compliment.  A few minutes after that, one of the older sisters in our ward, raised her hand during my presentation and said to me, "I just want to say that you have always been so good at giving compliments."  I immediately responded with, "Oh, well I do try to do that but I really need to do better."  I heard everyone laughing and realized what I had just done!  Someone said, "You are just supposed to say thank you!"  It was funny!  Accepting compliments is really a hard thing for most women.  I think it's because we don't want to come across as prideful and so we discount them most of the time, when the best thing we can say is just simply, "Thank you, I appreciate that!".    Something I obviously need work on! hah

Here are the rest of the stations. ↓ The others were on poise, a seven day beauty challenge, talents, becoming a scriptorian, health, and showing your inner beauty through how you dress.  It was a fun night.  Next time I just hope they give us 6 minutes!  ☺  bwhahaha

My handouts

(click to enlarge)

dear newest addiction, Skinny Pop Popcorn.  I was so happy when I first discovered you at Sam's Club, but now I am really wishing I hadn't!  I am a popcorn ~~~L O V E R~~~ to the max and my favorite thing when going to the movies is to order popcorn (with butter).  I blame my Dad for passing that gene on to me.  The bad thing is I eat too much and then I usually end up sick to my stomach.  But I just can't stop eating it at the time.  If we are going to a movie, I will not eat dinner just so I can eat the popcorn. I used to always drink root beer with my movie popcorn, but that really upsets my stomach and I learned the hard way to eliminate the root beer and just enjoy the popcorn.  Well, you (Skinny Pop) taste to me almost like the movie popcorn with butter.  AND....you are just as addicting.  But, the good thing is you claim to only have 39 calories per cup and no trans fat.  The problem is, you are really hard to stop eating once I start.  That one cup easily turns into two cups and then...  But I am pretty sure you are healthier than the stuff at the theater.  At least I don't feel as guilty eating the same amount of you as I do the other.  Now if we can just get them to sell you at the theater!  "Pop" on over to Sam's (or Costco) and give this stuff a try!

dear doomed lonely cow, seeing you on my run this week made me so very sad.  You were in the corral at the meat packing store and I am afraid you knew your fate because as I ran by you called out to me in one of the loudest and distressed moo's ever.  I talked to you about how sorry I was about what was about to happen to you and told you if I could help you I would.  You just kept mooing to me as if you understood what I was saying.  As I turned to keep running you went to the other side of the corral and mooed even louder as if to say, "Please come back and help me."  Holy cow...literally.  I felt your spirit was really anxious because you knew your fate.  It really made me sad to think that living things are put on this earth to kill just so we humans can enjoy ourselves.  I am not a vegetarian, but I can definitely see why so many people are.  That was really a sad thing for me.  I am a huge animal lover (ALL animals) and I feel like they are so mistreated anyway.  But seeing you and hearing you and knowing I couldn't help you was really sad for me.  I hope how ever your day ended, that it wasn't too painful for you and that you are now in the pastures in heaven grazing away in peace.  I also hope that hamburger I ate for dinner... okay - stop - never mind - cut -  next post!

dear bizarre-ness, there is a house in my community that I really get a kick out of and I love to see each day what is new there.  This week I saw this... ↓

What is up with the weird prices of things people sell now days?  $96.21?  $66.66?   I posted a chair and exercise bike on last week's Monday Memos that also had a bizarre price.  What happened to $60 even?  The most bizarre thing is that none of this stuff is worth even a fraction of what they are asking. Maybe the camper shell is, but most of the stuff I see should be in the garbage. I doubt the DI would even take it.  But my favorite thing about this house, is the manican.  They usually change it's clothes every day and it's always in one of their front windows.  It just kills me!  Today it had on an alien mask.  What about you?  Do you have crazy things in your hood too?

dear panda express, you seem to always be a stop whenever I take McKay shopping.  I took him shopping on Wednesday to look for some football cleats.  He absolutely loves you.  Taylor does too. They both wish one of you would open in our city.   I love Chinese Food as well, but you aren't my fave.  I do love your fried rice though with sweet and sour sauce.  The best part was our fortunes today.  McKay's said he will step on the soil of many countries (thinking mission call in less than a year) and mine said I will be involved in many humanitarian projects (I am the humanitarian coordinator in my church ward).  Maybe there is some thing to those fortunes after all. ☺  If not, they are still yummy!

dear taylor (aka elder wilding), we thought about you all day when Brazil played Croatia this week and knew things were crazy over there in Brazil!  I just hope you are safe because those Brazilians get a little out of control when it comes to their futbol!   I am so glad that your mission president is making you stay in your apartment on game day.  That is very wise!  Especially since you have three bars on your street!  Be safe Elder! 

dear el matador, oh how I love your food.  You used to be my hangout in high school.  I ate a lot of your food growing up.  My favorite thing is the chips and salsa (heated) with cheese in it.  Second favorite is the enchiladas!   I was invited to lunch with my friends Tracy and Julie and thought we were just going to stay in town but Julie asked if I wanted to go there instead.  I was excited!  Sadly, my niece wasn't working as a waitress while we were there, but it was still yummy!

*Hey Dawn, if you're reading this, I tried to send you a picture on my phone while I was there but it wouldn't send! ☺

dear 15 miler, ugh.  I am still not feeling recovered from the marathon one month ago.  I feel like I should be, but it's slow in coming.  I ran 15 today, but I had to walk some and I rarely have to do that.  But, I don't want to push it too hard and end up injured either.  I just want to be back to where I was and quickly.  I am not being very patient in my recovery because the last time it went much quicker.  I did really push it this time during the marathon and I am guessing that is why.

I ran around the dam twice and then down the canyon.  Here ↓ are some of the sights I saw.  The middle picture is going down the canyon right where you can see the temple.  I love seeing that.  You may have to click to enlarge to read the signs on here I saw at some homes.  The poppies are out in full glory and gorgeous.  I stopped to swing before heading back.  I really love to swing. I want a swing in my backyard.  Which reminds me of a boy I had a crush on in high school.  Whenever he walked behind me he would always say, "Man, I wish I had a swing like that in my backyard!".  I'm sure I blushed, but how funny I still remember it to this day.  It was a really gorgeous day for a run!

dear speaking for the second time this week,what a fun event I got to be a part of.  My friend Colleen asked me if I would come and do the same presentation for her Relief Society that I did in March.  It happened to be in the exact same building!  The building that we attended while living in Bountiful 20 plus years ago.   The theme was When Life Gives You Lemons...  

When Colleen told me the story of how she had just been put in her new calling in the RS and at her first meeting the president said they still needed a speaker (only a week and half away) for this meeting, Colleen said my name immediately came to mind.  The president told her that she had total faith that the right speaker would be found even though it was cutting it close, but she knew the right person would know who it was to be and then Colleen got put in that calling and suggested me.  No pressure!  haha  But I was happy to do it because first of all, I love Colleen and second, it was already prepared!  And third, I really felt like I was supposed to after hearing that story. 

I gave basically the same talk I did before about how happiness is a choice, only I tweaked it with how to make lemonade when life gives you lemons.  I added a lot of quotes about that and passed out lemon drops and Dove chocolate.  I also gave away a bunch of lemon related gifts for anyone who could share a story of how they made lemonade out of a lemony situation.  We heard some great stories! My main focus was about Tyson and how we coped with his passing and how he was a pro at making lemonade because life was always throwing him lemons.  He was such a great kid and whenever I give this talk, it makes me feel so close to him and I know he is near.  It also makes me really REALLY miss him.  It was harder for me to hold back the tears this time and I shed a few as I spoke, as did many of the sisters in that room.  I always share my mantra with the group and I always have several ask me for the quote after.  This is my mantra: 

" I can shed tears that he is gone, or I can smile because he has lived. I can close my eyes and pray that he'll come back, or I can open my eyes and see all he's left. My heart can be empty because I can't see him, or I can be full of the love we shared. I can turn my back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or I can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday. I can remember him only that he is gone, or I can cherish his memory and let it live on. I can cry and close my mind, be empty and turn my back, or I can do what he'd want: smile, open my eyes, L❤VE and go on." ~ David Harkin ~

With my good friend Colleen. 

They gave me 45 minutes and then we had a wonderful piano solo of Master the Tempest is Raging and then a delicious lunch.  They then passed out lemon facial and foot scrub and shared ways to use lemons in every day life.  It was a great meeting.  And I got Dick's Donuts AND Eclairs as a thank you and so it was totally worth it!  haha  YUMMY! 

Here I am ↑ with Colleen and her two cute daughters who knew Tyson as well.  Courtney (2nd from right) was his age and they were good friends and had some good times together.  I shared a few of those stories too, like when Tyson and Matt were throwing water balloons at Courtney and her friends and someone opened the door and several went inside Colleen's house.  lol  We all laugh about that one. I was worried that they would come and have to hear the same talk twice (they came to the one in March), but they reassured me they wanted to hear it again and it helped them so much last time and so they were looking forward to it.  As a speaker, no matter what, I always feel a little awkward when someone has heard it before, but hopefully I tweaked it enough that they weren't too bored!

Colleen ↓ with the sign I gave her about when life gives you lemons try to find someone whose life has given them vodka and have a party.  I like to tease her about her vodka vanilla every chance I can.  She makes homemade vanilla out of straight vodka.  ☺

I was glad I was able to go and I had so many women share sweet comments about it after and later I heard back from Colleen about one mom there who had just lost her baby and she told her that I really helped her.  If I can help just one person, then I really do feel like it was worth my time.  Hopefully I did.

If I do that, then I am going to have an awful lot of chocolate!

My handout (click to enlarge)

dear matt's wedding, what a day of emotions!  First I spoke about Tyson in the morning to Colleen's Relief Society and then the night before we went to the rehearsal dinner for Matt's wedding.  Matt and Tyson were best friend since they were about 8 years old.  As I walked in and saw Matt and his friends I was totally unprepared for the way it hit me.  All I could think of is, Tyson should be here.  He should be here.  This is where he would be if he were still here.  He should be here.  I was not expecting how that made me feel.  As I have said before, grief comes in waves.  Most often for me now it is at a low-tide and pretty steady, but every once in a while when I least expect it, a huge wave comes crashing against the shore and nearly takes me down.  This was one of those huge waves.  I saw friends of his I had not seen in years.  It was tough.  And that was just the rehearsal dinner!  It reminded me when we went to high school graduation and Tyson should have been there but wasn't.  As we arrived at the dinner, Matt came up and gave me a big hug and it was so nice.  I really had to work hard to keep the waterworks under control.  The rehearsal went well.  We went back on Saturday for the wedding and as we walked in I saw a table that had a photo of Tyson on it with the quote Skyler (Elder Wilding at the time) had written and sent it home to be read at his funeral.  I am sure we gave it to Matt after Tyson passed away because it was in the same Hawaiian-ish frame that I have some of Tyson's pictures in.  I forgot we gave it to him. But it was sitting on a table with a plaque that read: We know you would be here today if heaven wasn't so far away...  That was a little bit more than I could take and I couldn't hold back the waterworks.  Wow.  I felt so happy that Tyson WAS there after all.  At least he was remembered and not forgotten so we felt he was there and a part of it.   What a great thing to do.  I was so touched and so overwhelmed.  Such a sweet gesture.  Matt and Tyson were very close and I know it was really hard on Matt to lose him. 

Matt and Ellie had asked Dave if he would marry them.  We were touched by that as well.  Dave had to get special permission from the First Presidency since Matt wasn't in our ward.  I have always loved Matt.  He pretty much lived at our house when they were younger.  Tyson and him had a lot of fun.  Dave brought that up during the ceremony.  He talked about how those two were no stranger to the word explosives, and about a few of their experiences with that.  It was funny, and the whole audience was laughing.  I am glad he didn't bring up the one time those two blew up a toilet (during Sunday School) in the Bishop's backyard (Matt's dad at the time), and it was heard throughout the entire neighborhood and at church!  They were both pyros.  Good thing Matt's dad is a rocket scientist and was able to teach them a few things about safety!  Dave did a great job on the ceremony.

Matt and Dave

The ceremony

Dave signing the official documents ↑

It was a nice event.  But it was sure heart wrenching for me in so many ways.  We had to run off to a family party on Dave's side at a park, and then off to another reception of one of Taylor's friends.  Busy day!

dear kolby and shaelee's wedding reception, we had to leave Matt's reception early to get to a family party that we had to leave early to get to you.  You were held in Pleasant View and so we had to hustle, but we wouldn't miss it because we knew Taylor would want us to wish you well since you were such good buds and played basketball together on comp teams and then in high school since you were only about 9 years old.  As we were walking in, we ran into Ryleigh London, also friends of Taylor and also a basketball teammate since they were young boys.  I took photos of each couple so I could send them to Taylor.  He would have wanted to be there, but I know he is glad he is where he is.  So crazy to think two of his really good friends are married!  And Ryleigh's wife Teyler is the one we chose to give Tyson's scholarship to a few years ago.  This entire weekend was full of memories and reminders of Tyson.

dear father's day, we started you off by going to church as usual.  Dave's parents came to our ward today.  The talks were amazing.  Johnny Hepworth gave a really great talk and then he talked about Tyson. Did I mention Tyson was just in everything this weekend?  I wonder if he is trying to tell us something?  Johnny talked about how when the young men would fast for him and how every single time they did, he would get better long enough to allow us (his family) to take care of the things we needed to.  He talked about how the entire ward fasted for him many times and how it strengthened the ward.  I was not prepared for that, especially after Matt's wedding the day before.  I couldn't hold back the tears and I had to let a few escape.  Colleen had also told the story to someone after I spoke at her church about how on the Sunday after he passed away, she was leading the music and the song was Joy to the World and she said she stood up there leading the music with tears streaming down her face.  She said the entire congregation was crying. She said the song was so perfect to represent Tyson though because he was always so full of joy.  I don't remember singing that song but I do remember I sat on the very front row - can't remember why, but I did...and I also remember I got up and bore my testimony that day - two days after he passed away.  I am not sure to this day how I did that, but I did.   After church we headed to my Dad's house.  They had cooked burgers and hotdogs and brats and we ate and then had a lot of fun talking with my brother and his family. I can't believe I didn't get any pix of that!  They gave us our Christmas present (just a little late- haha) and then they left and Tiff and Britt and their kids came and so we all played some of the games in the Christmas basket.  In the photo below we are playing Tenzi. ↓  It was super fun.  So fun I fell off my chair! ↓ lol      

Then we headed to Dave's dads and wished him a Happy Father's Day too.  We stayed around and watched some of the final game of the NBA finals and then headed home and we gave Dave his gifts.  The boys both gave him some really nice cards.  It was another busy day, but fun. 

Happy Father's Day to my Pa!  He is one of the greatest men I know. He is a very easy person to like and he is well liked by everyone.  He is a lot of fun and is so kind and nice and friendly to everyone he meets.  He is a perfectionist and meticulous in everything he does.  You could eat off of his car engines and his garage floor. He always has everything perfectly in order and looking wonderful. His yard is always immaculate and gorgeous.  He is a very talented gardener and is always smiling.  He is talented in many ways, especially when it comes to golfing- which he lives for.  He is a very skilled electrician and can fix anything that is need of repair.  He used to take me fishing almost every weekend when I was growing up and he was just the best dad a kid could ask for.  He is just a genuinely nice and good guy.  I am so grateful I got to have him as my dad.  He has taught me so many things, the least of which to be nice to everyone you meet.  Happy Father's Day Pops!  I love you!  

And yes, that IS Johnny Miller!

dear quote, you are one of my new faves.  For some reason you hit a funny bone. ☺

dear mr. cat, I love these pix of you!  I'm going to come up with a really good caption for the one on the left and put it on facebook.  It is just begging for one.  Let me know if any of you think of a great caption I can use.

dear new profile picture, I am adding this black and white one on here because I want to save it on my blog in case of future need.  I already added the color one a few weeks ago, but I like this one better.  Okay, what I was going to write and started to- but couldn't finish and deleted it...was, well let's just say it had to do with putting a picture in a paper for some morbid reason.  Now it's here in a safe place and easy to find.  Am I the only one that ever thinks about these kind of things?  I hope it's not a premonition or something.  My husband never reads my blog and so he would be clueless where to find the picture anyway.  lol   

dear tyson, I am not sure why this weekend you were so present in everything and everywhere, but you were.  There were reminders of you all weekend long... the rehearsal dinner on Friday night, my talk I gave on Saturday morning, Colleen's memories of you after my talk, Matt's wedding on Saturday afternoon, at the family party held at the park where your tree is planted in your memory and how your cousins visited it and talked about you, at Kolby's reception with Teyler who we gave the scholarship in your memory to, in Johnny's talk at sacrament, in the pennies I found, in so many conversations this week...  it was like that all week long.  I know you never wanted to be forgotten, and you never will be. I won't ever let you be forgotten.  I am so glad you were in everything and everywhere because I love feeling your presence.  I love feeling you near.  I love knowing you are close by and surround us with your spirit at times.  I hope you know what an impact you had on so many lives while you were here and continue to have now you have passed.  We miss you so much.  I miss you so much.  It hits me so hard at times and when it gets really hard and I start wishing you were still here to do the things your friends are doing like going on missions and getting married, and starting families, I just try really hard to focus on how grateful I am that I had you for the seventeen years I did.  And I try to remember that you are in a better place and you are happy and doing great things that your friends that are still here can't do.  It is just so hard sometimes to have you gone and so far away, but weeks like this where I have felt you so near help to relieve some of that sadness, yet feeling you so close also makes me sad because it makes me miss your daily presence that much more.  Some weeks are harder than others that is for sure.  I just miss you so much...  Thanks for the wonderful memories we made in those short, but so very precious 17 years.  I love you bud.  Thanks for being here this week.   Love forever, Mom