ASKED and ANSWERED

I used to post a lot of things on parenting and discipline on my blog, but I rarely do anymore.  Mainly because I am no longer in the "war zone" with little ones like I used to be, and my teenagers have been pretty exceptional as far as disciplining.  Why did I say that?  I still have one to go!  When you say things like that, they get a chuckle out of it in heaven and decide to set you straight and send you a little challenge just to keep you humble.  So I take it back.  They have given me my fair share, I just forgot!  =)  And that one that is still at home is quite the negotiator and so I will be using this on him.

But when I read this article, I just thought how ingenious this idea was and how it would be such a help to so many moms out there, so I am posting it in hopes it will help just one mom or grandma.  I saw it at this website HERE.

Let me know what you think about this idea!

----------------------

Child Nagging & Negotiating

by Amy McCready

End child nagging & negotiating with just three simple words

When it comes to persistence, few things compare to a child nagging and negotiating to try and get what he wants. And few people know that better than a parent who has given that child an answer they don’t want to hear.
From the famed “Are we there yet?” to this morning’s “Can I have ice cream for breakfast?” to this afternoon’s “Can I have ice cream for dinner?” kids are notorious for their one-track minds, and they will ask…and ask…and ask…just in case you’ve changed your mind in the last minute.
Child nagging is a learned behavior that children of any age can pick up. They might continue to use it because once, in a moment of weakness, you caved and let them stay up an extra half hour after they asked for the eighth time.
But like any learned behavior, child nagging can be unlearned. The solution comes from Lynn Lott, co-author of the Positive Discipline series of books, and it works on kids as young as two or three, all the way through their teens.
It only takes three simple words: “Asked and Answered.”

The concept is simple. When seven-year-old Daniel begs to dig a giant hole in the front yard and gets “no” for an answer, chances are he’ll be back in five minutes asking again – this time with a “pleeeeeeaase” just so you know he really, really wants to dig the hole.
Instead of repeating yourself or jumping in to a lecture, avoid child nagging by getting eye to eye and follow the process below:
Step One: Ask, “Have you ever heard of ‘Asked and Answered’?” (He’ll probably say no.)
Step Two: Ask, “Did you ask me a question about digging a hole?” (He’ll say yes.)
Step Three: Ask, “Did I answer it?” (He’ll probably say, “Yes, but, I really ….”)
Step Four: Ask, “Do I look like the kind of mom/dad/teacher who will change her/his mind if you ask me the same thing over and over?” (Chances are Daniel will walk away, maybe with a frustrated grunt, and engage in something else.)
Step Five: If Daniel asks again, simply say, “Asked and Answered.” (No other words are necessary!) Once this technique has been established, these are the only words you should need to say to address nagging questions.
Consistency is key! Once you decide to use “Asked and Answered” with your nagging child, be sure to stick to it. If 14-year-old Emma is particularly determined to keep asking to get her eyebrow pierced, stay strong. Answering her question again – or worse yet, changing your answer – will reinforce to her that her nagging works. Although it’ll take some patience, your child will eventually connect the dots and you’ll see results!
Make “Asked and Answered” a joint effort with your spouse, and consider including any family or friends who may have to deal with child nagging and negotiating from your child. When Daniel and Emma realize that they won’t get a “yes,” even after they’ve asked twelve times, they’ll get the hint and retire this tactic.
Speech and Language Pathologist, Stacy Pulley reports this technique works well for children with communication challenges, particularly those with Autism. She suggests bringing a notebook or a chalk/dry erase board into the mix and writing down a question once they’ve asked it more than once, keeping in mind their reading level. Or, draw a picture. Then, when your child asks again, point to the board or notebook to remind them that they’ve asked, and you’ve answered. Be sure to use as few words as possible and stay consistent in your language to help them understand the connection as they learn to listen to and respect your answers.
Adding this tool to your parenting toolbox is a positive step toward ending the child nagging and negotiating that can wear on even the most resolute of parents. Then, be sure to follow through and stay consistent – and before you know it, 20 questions will be a fun game once again, and no longer a negotiation tactic!

--------------------------------------------------------

Isn't that such a great idea?  I love this kind of simple solutions to daily problems of discipline!  I wish I would have learned this when I had little ones.  Can't wait to use it on my one still at home who would make a great attorney because he can negotiate so well, not to mention my future grands (that I WILL have someday!).  Hopefully heaven is listening to that too! =)

 

PPP #13 ~ Instilling Gratitude in our Children

Parenting Pointers Post #13
Help for the Frazzled Mom!
Based on Dr. Glenn I. Latham's book The Power of Positive Parenting

"Behave well. Good parenting is first a matter of teaching, second a matter of modeling, and never a matter of reacting." Dr. Glenn I. Latham

Do you ever feel like your children constantly want AND expect more things? Do they take care of and respect the stuff they already have? Are their Christmas lists already needing to be chopped in half?

Teaching children to be grateful can be a difficult thing in today's society of instant gratification. But it is so important and worth the effort when you realize how much their happiness depends on their gratitude quotient. How can they invite more into their life until they are grateful for what they already have? They can't.


Being grateful has many benefits that we all want our children to claim. For one thing, grateful people are so much more enjoyable to be around. But more importantly there is now evidence from recent scientific studies that show counting your blessings is very beneficial to your health!

Research conducted by Robert A. Emmons at the University of California at Davis and Michael E. McCullough of the University of Miami, shows that people who consciously remind themselves everyday of the things they are grateful for show marked improvements in mental health and some aspects of physical health. In one study the participants kept a gratitude journal and listed each day four or five things for which they were grateful--even if it was just a beautiful day. “In just two to three weeks,” McCullough said, “they reported being happier.” And, “People close to them could see the difference too.” “With gratitude, there is virtually no down side,” said McCullough. And there’s a major upside: “Most grateful people have low rates of depression and negative moods—but high self-esteem.” There was evidence that gratitude is related to reduced risk of major depression, generalized anxiety disorder, phobia, bulimia nervosa, nicotine dependence, alcohol dependence, and drug use/dependence. And an increase in better relationships."


That is reason enough to be grateful. The big question is - "Is gratitude something we are born with or can it be taught?" Gratitude does not come naturally to most people especially young children. It is most definitely something that can be taught. As you have heard before...gratitude is an attitude. It is a choice we make. And in order to teach it to our children we have to model it in ourselves first.


A simple, sincere expression of gratitude when the kids do something they are asked to do is always appreciated. Noticing the little things they do around the house may seem like too simple of a thing to make an impact, but it will. Even thanking them for putting their socks in the hamper (even if they have only done it one out of a hundred times!) will cause them to want to do it again because it was noticed AND appreciated. Appreciation and praise always goes a long way in getting the behavior repeated. We all like to be recognized when we do something.

Also model the behavior by thanking those people in your daily life. The sales clerk, the bus driver, the piano teacher. This will let them know that gratitude is a standard in your home. Letting your children see that you are grateful will encourage them to be so as well. Always remember to say thanks for the little things and teach them to as well. When someone has given my boys a ride somewhere, the first thing I ask them is if they remembered to say thanks for the ride. A couple of weeks ago, McKay walked in the door and the first thing he said before I could ask was, "Yes Mom, I said thanks for the ride." My boys seldom forget to thank either me or Dave for each meal. It has almost become a contest to see who says thanks for dinner first. That was taught by sheer repetition and reminding them when they forgot.


Another way to show gratitude is through prayer. By praying out loud, your children can hear you expressing thanks for your blessings. Remember to thank God for the blessing of your wonderful children stating each of their names individually and why you are thankful for them!

Another way to teach gratitude is by trying to go without. From time to time, have a family project that involves going without something important. For example, walk to your regular destinations instead of taking the car. Think of things that take a little sacrifice. Those things that will cause us to miss things that we take for granted will help us be a little more humble and grateful for the...car, or toy, or whatever.


Volunteering or serving is a great way for your children to see gratitude in action. There are numerous chances in every community to volunteer. It feels good to help others and they also get to experience the warmth of appreciation.



Assign chores. This will give them an awareness of the amount of time and effort involved in so many of the things they think just magically get done. As they do the chores, they will learn to appreciate the other things we do for them.

Writing thank you notes is such a powerful way to help them feel the gratitude for what they have received. Putting down on paper what they enjoyed about a particular gift, reminds your children why they are grateful for it.


Don't keep your gratitude to yourself! When you feel thankful for certain people in your life, be bold enough to say it out loud or put it in a letter. One of the great tragedies in life is that, too often, we just don't know what we mean to others. When you feel appreciation towards others, tell them!
Try and find the good in each situation. 1. "Oh it's raining, AGAIN. But, I remembered my umbrella!"
2. "My car broke down. But, look at all this exercise I am getting now!"
3. "It is so cold outside today. I am so grateful I have a warm coat to keep me warm!"
4. "I've never seen so many dirty dishes! But that meal was really delicious!" 5. "Will this laundry ever be done? I guess not as long as we are blessed enough to have clothes to wear!"
6. "The electricity was out all night. We had a perfect excuse to order dinner delivery, eat by candlelight, and go to bed early!"
Are you starting to get the picture?

Our children will learn to be grateful as we model it for them. Being grateful may not be something we all just naturally feel or automatically do. It takes some effort. But remember the reward is always worth it!





Check out this video of the GRATITUDE DANCE!!!

As always...good luck, and as Dr. Latham used to say:

PPP #12 ♥ Ask a Stupid Question....

Parenting Pointers Post #12
Help for the Frazzled Mom!
Based on Dr. Glenn I. Latham's book The Power of Positive Parenting

"Behave well. Good parenting is first a matter of teaching, second a matter of modeling, and never a matter of reacting." Dr. Glenn I. Latham

I am so excited for the discovery I just made! I just found a link to Dr. Latham's Free Online Course Materials!!! Do you know how cool that is? That means you don't have to buy the book, you can just go to this link and read most of what is in his book!


I wasn't surprised one bit, because Dr. Latham's main goal was not to make money on what he taught, but to get the word out to help parents and children! He was so amazing! And now hopefully through the power of the internet, his life's work will be able to reach ALL who need it. Namely everyone who is a parent or teaches children in any way. I knew he would find a way from the other side to keep promoting the best way to raise children! Go HERE to become a better parent!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ask a stupid question and you get a stupid answer.

Have you ever asked any of the following:

☻Why did you hit your sister? (because she is ugly and I wanted to make her look better)
☻Is there a reason why you threw that rock? (no, I just like to hear the sound of breaking glass)
☻Why did you wet your pants? (because I like to make you mad)
☻Why can't you put your things away?(because I like to spend hours looking for them later)
☻How could you possibly hit a parked car? (it was easy, I just didn't put on the brake)
☻Do you call this horrible mess a room? (no, I call it a mess)
☻Do you want your face to stick like that? (yeah, then I won't need a costume for Halloween)
☻How many times have I told you not to do that? (not exactly sure, but I think it is about 3245 times)

One of Dr. Latham's basic rules for raising children is to not question children about their behavior unless you really need information for problem solving There are two main reasons for this. First, you don't really want an answer-and even if you get one, it doesn't improve things; behavior doesn't get any better. The second reason is that by asking questions about the behavior, the child is getting lots and lots of attention for that behavior and the probability is very high that the attention will strengthen the very behavior being questioned; hence, the probability increases that it will reoccur.

Dr. Latham said he was forever amazed at how much family discord and hostile parent-child interactions are caused by the improper use of questioning. When one carefully analyzes how questioning is used, it's no wonder problems arise. Consider these examples from Dr. Latham's book:


Parent: "Billy, why did you hit your brother?! Haven't I told you a hundred times not to hit your brother? How many times am I going to have to tell you to quit hitting your brother?!"
Billy: "I hit my brother because he is very ugly and I was only trying to fix his face. Yes, in fact you've told me 112 times to quit hitting him. I'll quit hitting him when he quits being ugly."
Parent: "Okay. Thank you. I just wanted to know!"
Though this example uses an absurd response from the child, and a subsequently absurd response from the parent ("I just wanted to know"), these are no more absurd than the questions being asked. In the first place, the questions were not asked to get information from the child. They were simply words the parent used to blow off steam, a desperate attempt to get the child to "shape up"! Nothing the child would have said would have been acceptable.

For example:

Billy: "He started it! Why do you always get after me when it's not my fault?! I hate that dumb brother of mine. I wish he'd die. The only thing he does is get me in trouble!
This is a more likely answer. Not absurd at all. But does it set the stage for problem solving? No. What typically happens is that the discussion-by now an argument-is off on a tangent and things will only get worse:

Parent: "You're always blaming your brother for everything! And besides he's smaller than you are. Furthermore, don't you ever-do you understand me young man?! - don't you EVER say those wicked things about your brother!"
By now you can see what's happening. It's a lose-lose situation no matter how you cut it. If the child answers the question, absurdly or otherwise, he's in trouble because the parent was never looking for an answer in the first place. Once again, according to Dr. Latham, that's the first reason you never ask a child to explain his inappropriate behavior. The second reason is that the behavior is more likely to be repeated because the child is getting lots of attention for it. The principle to be kept in mind is this: behavior is strengthened by attention, and behavior that is strengthened is behavior that will more probably reoccur. In the examples, the parents have strengthened the very behaviors they want to get rid of.


Dr. Latham states: "Parents almost never ask questions to get answers."

Some more examples from his book:

Avoid asking questions if you expect the answer to: ☻Be one you don't want to hear:"Are you going to school today?"Rather, assume that he/she is going to school and be directive: "It's time to get ready for school." ☻Alienate you from others: "Why don't you get your hair cut?"Rather, use contingencies to do your nagging:"You bet you can use the car Saturday, Son. Just as soon as you get your hair cut."
☻Provide no answer: "How many times have I told you to hang up your clothes?"Rather, either ignore it, and wait until it's done, then acknowledge it, or let contingencies do your nagging: "Your allowance is ready once your clothes are hung up/room cleaned."
☻Prompt the child to lie: "Did you steal that money from my dresser?"Rather, say nothing until you have proof, then administer the pre-understood consequences. In the meantime, keep your money as secure as possible.
☻Be obvious: "Have you been smoking again?" Rather, give empathy:"I'm really sorry you have chosen to smoke. When you decide to quit, I'll be happy to help in any way I can." In the meantime, the natural and logical consequences of smoking must/will be felt.Natural consequences: Coughing, bad smell, damage to the body. Social consequences: No car privileges, allowance, etc.
☻Arouse personal animosities: "Why do you associate with such crummy people?"Rather, keep your mouth shut unless and until you can say something good.
☻Lead to further conflict: "Aren't you just about the biggest mess imaginable?"
Rather, wait for a positive characteristic to surface, then "pay that off."


A final note from Dr. Latham about questioning. Do not ask a child a question if you already know the answer: Alice has failed to get her homework done because she dawdled her time away watching TV.
Parent: "Alice, why haven't you gotten your homework done?" In light of what you've read, why is this useless and how can it even make a bad situation worse? Here's a better way:
Parent: "Alice, turn off the TV and complete your homework now."
IN REVIEW:
☻Never question children about their inappropriate behaviors unless you need information to aid in problem solving. When, out of anger and frustration, parents question their children, several negative results commonly occur, including: The asking of more useless questions. Since, at times like these, parents really don't expect an answer, if an answer is given it is rejected, only to be followed by another dumb question. Eventually emotions get out of control and things get progressively worse.
☻The strengthening of inappropriate behavior. Since questioning children about their behavior is a form of parental attention, that attention tends to strengthen the very behavior that is a problem; hence, that behavior is more likely to reoccur.
☻The encouragement to lie. It is not at all unusual for children (or adults) to lie when questioned about things that could reflect badly on them.

As always...good luck, and as Dr. Latham used to say:

PPP #11

Parenting Pointers Post #11
Help for the Frazzled Mom!
Based on Dr. Glenn I. Latham's book The Power of Positive Parenting

"Behave well. Good parenting is first a matter of teaching, second a matter of modeling, and never a matter of reacting." Dr. Glenn I. Latham

Ahhh...sibling rivalry! What would we parent's do without it? I can think of a lot of things, but that would be another post entirely.

Sibling rivalry is a normal age-typical behavior but also a major concern of most parents. Dr. Latham reminds us to first keep in mind that it is a characteristic of virtually all children. Even the most obedient and even tempered children fight with their brothers and sisters. It is a natural part of growing up in a family. It is one of the ways by which children learn how to survive in society. Dr. Latham claims that it helps teach them what they can and cannot get away with. I love how he says that we must remember children are in the process of becoming civilized. For the most part children are generally and basically selfish. They tend to be insensitive to the feelings of others. Name calling, fighting, insulting gestures-you name it-are all part of the syndrome. But we parents tend to give these kinds of behaviors far, far too much attention.

When our children are fighting with one another, we tend to worry that when they grow up they are going to behave toward others in society as they behave toward their siblings. These worrisome thoughts are for the most part totally unwarranted.

Dr. Latham teaches that there are some things we as parents can do to keep sibling rivalry within a tolerable range. Keep in mind though, you are not going to completely eliminate rivalry among siblings unless you completely eliminate the siblings!!!

Here are five rules from the teachings of Dr. Latham that, if learned and skillfully used, will have a powerful and positive effect on the quality of life in your home.

1. Ignore inconsequential behavior. Most sibling rivalry is age-typical behavior, most of which can and should be ignored. If left alone, it will likely just go away in time. It's something we all grew out of - or at least most of us!
If the kids are arguing, turn away from them or leave the room. He also suggests that if they are playing nicely you should turn your attention toward them, in order to reinforce their good behavior. Any of the behavior that is inconsequential, or in other words not going to hurt anyone, should be ignored. Keep in mind, this is not going to be easy! You may have to bite your tongue or even tape your mouth, but just do it!

2. Remain calm and composed but direct when you must intervene. Sibling rivalry must be given your attention only when it becomes cruel, abusive, or threatening to a child's normal, healthy development. If the arguing becomes hurtful and abusive, then you need to step in, but remain calm and collected, without raising your voice. Remember to demonstrate self-control. A stern statement telling the children to stop the inappropriate behavior immediately may be sufficient in some cases. In others, you may have to use some form of discipline. Just remember to remain calm during the entire interaction.

3. Teach appropriate social skills. When attending to sibling rivalry, once again maintain complete self-control, and use consequences that are important to the children to help bring behavior under control. It is up to you to manage those consequences and let them do the talking for you. Sibling rivalry is an uncivilized way for the child to express himself. When children are arguing and calling each other names, this is an opportunity for the parent to teach the children how to express themselves in a civilized and appropriate way.

4. Apply consequences. If what you are inclined to say and do is not likely to make things better, don't say it and don't do it. If you feel uncertain about what to do, if you feel unable to deal with the situation calmly and reasonable, if your ability to be in control is compromised, then just walk away. We know when people are extremely angry, emotionally upset, drunk, or so on, it is very unlikely that a parent will be able to have a positive effect on things. It is better to wait for things to cool down and to let consequences do the talking. The consequence should be understood in advance, that is they know exactly what consequence they will receive for each specific action.

5. Acknowledge appropriate behavior. Be constantly on the lookout for opportunities to have positive interactions with your children when they are behaving together nicely. If you have a tendency to allow these opportunities to get away from you, you might want to keep a record or put little prompts up around the house to remind you to say nice things to your children. These help us measure and pace our behavior. If you are on the lookout for good behavior and positively respond to it, the children will enjoy the attention and want to behave appropriately more often. Children value parent's attention and will get along with their siblings just to get it. Always remember a behavior that is ignored will decrease but a behavior that is given attention will increase.

As always...good luck, and as Dr. Latham used to say:

A Gold Medal For Mom (Parenting Pointers Post #10)

Parenting Pointers Post #10
Help for the Frazzled Mom!








Citius, Altius, Fortius.
Faster, Higher, Stronger.With the Olympics just behind us, I have been thinking how amazing those athletes were and what it must take to get their bodies and minds to a place where they can compete on such a level.
Then my thoughts turned to the everyday life of a mother. I have always felt mothers don't get the credit they deserve for all they do. In fact, moms go unrecognized and much of the time unappreciated.


Isn't it about time someone started awarding Gold Medals to mothers for what they achieve on a daily basis? After all, each and every day is an Olympic event for mom!

Just participating in the following field events qualifies you in the Motherhood Olympics and a Gold Medal....or better yet, a chocolate covered Gold Medal!

• Diaper Derby Dash → Chasing un-diapered toddler in order to diaper said toddler before he does his "business" on the carpet.
• Early Morning Relay Rush → Waking, bathing, dressing, feeding, carpooling, & hugging five children before school bell rings each morning. Rushing back to school to drop off forgotten lunch and homework. Rushing to store to get room mother treats. Rushing home to attempt Diaper Derby Dash on toddler. Rushing back to school to be spectacular room mother. Rushing home to put toddler down for nap. Rushing to clean up kitchen and do three loads of laundry. Rushing back to store for forgotten items for dinner. Rushing to dentist for twice missed appointment. Rushing home to attempt and once again train for Diaper Derby Dash. All before 10 a.m.


• Nerves of Steel Tantrumathon→ Remaining completely calm while toddler throws self on filthy floor and begins to wail at top of lungs while in crowded store with many onlookers throwing dirty looks your way.


• 100 yard Hurdle→ Hurdling high across the sandbox full of children to grab binky covered in sand before baby puts it in mouth.
• 50 Yard Sprint→ Sprinting to the curb in a split second while in high heels to grab toddler before runs into busy intersection.


• Weight Lifting→ Hoisting ten bags of groceries, one sleeping toddler, an infant in car seat, diaper bag, car keys, purse, one half eaten Happy Meal, and dry cleaning without dropping ...while carrying it all into house in one trip.


• Wrestling Freestyle→ Leave busy restaurant with squirming child in arms with relaxed but firm body hold.


• Balance Beam Routine → Balancing check book, three nutritious meals a day (plus snacks), laundry, house cleaning, carpooling, piano lessons, dance lessons, trumpet lessons, football practice, karate practice, soccer practice, Cub Scouts, Brownies, grocery shopping, holiday traditions, homework, dentist appts., doctor appts., recitals, school concerts, menu planning, PTA meetings, vacations, science fair projects, and many other things too numerous to mention.
  
  Parenting is the real test of all endurance sports, even without the worry of fellow competitors constantly sizing you up and getting scored by the many judges in the field. It tests you physically, emotionally, socially, and psychologically. But no matter how much training or practicing, is this sport ever really mastered? Do we get called to a platform to stand proudly while the world looks upon us with admiration?

When it comes to the sport of parenting, perhaps just showing up each and every day to practice and train faster, higher, stronger, in order to improve and do better means you have earned that Gold Medal.


Besides, having those precious little arms wrapped around your neck is much better than having even an Olympic Gold Medal placed around it. And the victory is even sweeter...even if it was chocolate covered.☺

Go Moms!!!
YOU ROCK!!!

Parenting Pointers Post #9

Parenting Pointers Post #9
Help for the Frazzled Mom!
Based on Dr. Glenn I. Latham's book The Power of Positive Parenting

"Behave well. Good parenting is first a matter of teaching, second a matter of modeling, and never a matter of reacting." Dr. Glenn I. Latham

Yes, I already know I have been a real slacker when it comes to writing this weekly post lately! My problem has been not only is it summer and it seems all schedules go out the window (do you know how many times I have forgot the boy's piano lessons and scouts already?!!!) and on top of that for some reason it seems my Wednesday's are always craaaaaaaazy!

Yes, I know you are thinking that maybe I should just write this post on another less busy day, and I would totally agree with that logic, except I haven't been able to find another less busy day! So, I hope you will forgive me if you have come here seeking great help from Dr. Latham's wonderful advice and left empty handed. I promise I will do better! In fact I even started writing this on Wednesday....it is currently 11:55 p.m., but still Wednesday! I wonder if I can finish it in five more minutes??? Highly doubtful, but I will try! If not, I will still publish it as if it were really completed on Wednesday. But that is our little secret!!! Shhh......

Okay down to business.

One of the greatest things I learned from Dr. Latham was to clearly establish and communicate our expectations to our children. It really seems like such a no brainer and a very simple thing to do, but it is so often overlooked by us as parents. Don't you like to be told what is expected of you when you are doing something? I think we all do. Otherwise it is left to us to figure it out on our own and the way we think it should be done may not always be the way others want it to be done.

For example when your children are busily engrossed in their play or in something else, give them a little warning before they need to stop. If they are going to have to clean up their toys or stop doing something, then when it is 10 minutes before it's time to do that, tell them that they have 10 more minutes before it is time to stop and ask them how much time you said they have and have them repeat it back. Give them another warning at five minutes and ask once again how much time before they need to stop. That always makes the transition go so much more smoothly.

Dr. Latham suggests that we communicate clearly to our children what our expectations are and then always have them repeat them back to us. That way we know that they understand what we expect and it also reinforces it to them.

"Johnny, I need you to be home tonight at exactly six o'clock and not one minute later so you can get ready to go the program with us." Johnny responds with, "Yeah, yeah, okay mom." Then you say, "Johnny what time do I need you to be home tonight?" To which he replies, "Six o'clock...I heard ya, I got it." You then follow it up with a comment that reinforces your expectations once again. "Thank you Johnny, I am so glad I know I can depend on you to be home at six o'clock."

If we don't communicate what we want to happen then we really have no one to blame but ourselves. It is too much to ask for children to know in advance what is expected of them if we never TELL THEM! And always have the child show his understanding of the expectations by repeating them back to you. Here's some more dialogue of how it might sound.

"Sara, I need you to clean up the mess in here by folding and putting away all the blankets, putting away the games, and taking the dishes upstairs before dinner."

"Okay mom, I will in a minute."

"What do I need you to do Sara?"

"You want me to clean up this mess."

"Yes, you are right. But what exactly do I want you to do?"

"You want me to fold the blankets, then put them away and then put away all the games too."
"That is great! But there is also one more thing I need you to do."

"Oh yeah, and take the dishes upstairs."

"You got it! Thank you so much for doing those things before dinner. I really appreciate you being so responsible and helping out."

I am always amazed at how much faster things get done when I clearly state my expectations and then have my boys repeat those expectations back. Once that is done there really is no room for miscommunication. It is so worth the extra few minutes it takes.

As always...good luck, and as Dr. Latham used to say:

PPP #8

Parenting Pointers Post #8
Help for the Frazzled Mom!
Based on Dr. Glenn I. Latham's book The Power of Positive Parenting

"Behave well. Good parenting is first a matter of teaching, second a matter of modeling, and never a matter of reacting." Dr. Glenn I. Latham

My sister-in-law called me yesterday looking for some help and ideas with her little ones. She was very frustrated because they won't mind her and they tell her no when she asks them to do something. She said she is tired of nagging and wants to be a happy Mom. I think we have all been there more than we want. She was looking for positive solutions that will nip it quick. So what did I tell her?

You guessed it! I said, "Get out Dr. Latham's book and read what he tells you to do!" Well, I didn't tell her that at first, but of course I added that in at the end of our conversation! His book has the solution for every parenting issue. I told her she could try what I did one summer that had great results and focused on the positive.

One year when my boys were younger, I was at the end of my rope when it came to them being obedient the first time I asked them to do something. I was tired of having to tell them over and over what I expected. After a while that really wears on you. So instead of ME doing the talking, I decided to let the consequences do the talking. I made a chart with each of their names on it and explained that they would get rewarded with a sticker each time they obeyed the FIRST time I asked them to do something. We called the chart: I AM A FIRST TIMER! I told them that at the end of each day if they had a certain amount of stickers (ours was five) then they would earn a privilege for the next day like riding their bike, or playing with friends, watching TV, playing video games, etc. The key here is it has to be something the child REALLY likes or wants. Otherwise there is no motivation. Each child is different and you may have to really think hard to come up with what will work. But it will pay off!

If you don't get into charts, then you could have them place a piece of paper in a jar each time they obey the first time. Just come up with some way to track the behavior. Then the next day when they ask for that privilege, all you have to do is say, "I don't know, what does your chart say?" Let the consequences do the talking! It falls back on their shoulders. The chart is the heavy, not you. It won't take long for them to see how this works and the problem of noncompliance will vanish for the most part. Eventually replace the stickers with hugs and thanks.

Remember these points:

• The key here is to make sure the child knows exactly what is expected, the time frame, and the consequences. It might even be a good idea to do a role play before you set it in place. You can remind them in a positive way if you need to, but don't say one word if they disobey. Let the consequences do the talking. If the garbage doesn't get taken out that particular time, the world will not come to an end. If on the other hand, it is something that needs to be done now, go ahead and do it yourself. Say nothing. But when the child wants to watch TV or ride their bike, those privileges are not available. They have not been earned... as a failure to comply.


• Be sure when they do obey the first time you lavish praise on them and give them your attention then.


• Don't allow them to pull you into arguments over the logic or sense of what you expect them to do. And trust me they will! Just restate your expectations and leave it at that. When they do try and argue with you use understanding but don't argue. Just repeat your expectations again. Dr. Latham calls this the broken record strategy.


• Remain calm and in complete control when they have not obeyed or done what you asked them to. Your mood will have an immense impact on the child's behavior. Your being calm will instill in them a sense of security.


• And most importantly, always be on the lookout for opportunities to let your children know how much you appreciate what they do. A hug or just a word of praise really goes a long way!
  

For more on this read Chapter 19 ~ Refusing to Do as Told ~ in The Power of Positive Parenting.

As always...good luck, and as Dr. Latham used to say:

PPP #7

Parenting Pointers Post #7
Help for the Frazzled Mom!

Based on Dr. Glenn I. Latham's book The Power of Positive Parenting

"Behave well. Good parenting is first a matter of teaching, second a matter of modeling, and never a matter of reacting." Dr. Glenn I. Latham

I think most would agree that the most important job we have as adults is to be effective parents. Considering the enormous amount of variables that can affect the outcome and development of our children, it can also be overwhelmingly challenging at times as well. We are not given a manual or a guide book when we bring children into the world. We are most often left on our own to figure it out by relying only on our on the job training. Most of us will end up parenting the same way we were parented. The problem with that is the fact that the world is different now and those methods do not always work in today's world. Good parenting is a skill. It is not something that is inborn in us. Thankfully it is something that can be taught and learned. Thus, the importance of learning scientifically proven methods is vital if we want to be successful parents. Thank heavens Dr. Latham's to the rescue once again! Today's post will focus on the importance of spending one on one time with our children and how that can help significantly with many behavior problems.

When we have more than one child, the demands on our time can make it difficult to even sit down for a meal together let alone spend the one on one time we want with each individual child. But there is probably nothing our children want more. Often times children who are not getting the attention they want from their parents will act out or misbehave because they are assured they will most definitely grab our attention that way! With our busy lifestyles it may seem nearly impossible to squeeze in one on one time with each child, but it will save hours of time later in trying to manage inappropriate behavior. It is an investment with high dividends. It may take some creative time management but it will be worth the sacrifice. Children like to feel special and there is no greater way to achieve that than spending alone time with mom or dad.

It can be something as simple as leaving the dishes in the sink and instead taking a walk with your child. But the most effective way is to set a prescheduled time once a week or once a month with each child and have a "kid date" (what we call them). When we started doing this (years ago, before I had even heard of Dr. Latham), I wanted it to be a set date that the child wouldn't forget so they would make sure we made it happen. I knew full well that it would be harder for me to turn down an eager child even if something came up that interfered. We decided to have the date be the date of their birthday each month. So if they were born on July 22nd, then it would be the 22nd of each month. If it fell on a Sunday or a day that was really impossible to work around then we would reschedule it.

With five children, it was not always easy to always pull it off, but so worth it. At first I was the only one doing the kid dates, but then when my husband had more time, we were able to take turns. Just do what works best depending on schedules. The kid dates can range anywhere from 30 minutes to two hours or more. It always ended up working for us because the kids were the ones that made sure it happened! There was one month I took one of them out twice because they missed theirs the month before and they made sure they were not going to get gypped! It may seem impossible to add one more thing, but when you see the rewards that come as a result, it will take priority over almost everything else. And if you can't do it every month, then do it every other month. We have had times where we stopped completely for a while and then just picked it up again when we could.

I always let them choose what we do. We've done things ranging from going to a fish pond and skipping rocks to going over to our church and playing one on one basketball, or going bowling or mini-golfing, to just going and getting something to eat and window shopping. I say window shopping because I had to make the rule that on kid dates I wouldn't buy them anything. I knew it would set a precedence for the others and they would just turn into shopping trips for things they wanted. We could look, but not buy. Sometimes when they were younger we just went to the park and played on the jungle gym or swings. You can go bug collecting or to a movie. It will be different with each child depending on their age. One of my favorite ones was when I took one of them to play on a huge sand mountain we have near our home at the gravel pit. Now they are getting older, we usually just go out to eat at Subway or somewhere and just talk and then usually hit a pawn shop or a store to look at video games. When we are short on time we have sometimes just gone for a ride and got a drink and talked. Talking is huge when you have all sons. That is not something most of them do much of! I have noticed they open up much more when we are driving and they are eating or drinking something!

It gets much harder when they become teens because they are so busy, but teens need it just as much as younger ones, if not more. I have found I have to be available when they have a desire to talk or do something. The main thing is to just do your best and to not feel guilty if you can't do it perfectly or as you always plan. I have been feeling a little guilty just writing this post because we are in a lull right now and haven't been doing it for a while. Time to get back to it! Just do your best and always remember it's the many little things you do with your child - playing a board game, watching a video together, popping popcorn - that leaves the biggest impact.

As always...good luck, and as Dr. Latham used to say:

PPP #6

Parenting Pointers Post #6
Help for the Frazzled Mom!

Based on Dr. Glenn I. Latham's book The Power of Positive Parenting

"Behave well. Good parenting is first a matter of teaching, second a matter of modeling, and never a matter of reacting." Dr. Glenn I. Latham

Sorry about not posting this sooner. But it is still Wednesday...although barely. It has been "one of those days." You know the kind. Every parent has them. Actually every parent pretty much has them every day. The kind of day when you are needed for every little thing...i.e. help with homework, rides to and from friends, rides to and from basketball practice, rides to and from the church, rides to and from scouts, a trip to the grocery store to re-stock the fridge with life sustaining supplies such as chip dip and Swiss Cake Rolls (since there is "never anything good in this house to eat!"), looking for the lost shoe - or the lost mind in my case. And doing it all within the time span of 30 minutes. No biggy. We all do it all the time. And without receiving any kind of medal like you get when you run a marathon, even though every day seems like one when you are a parent in today's world. It's just what we do for the precious fruit of our loins, who of course will someday thank us profusely for all the time and sacrifice we so unselfishly were willing to provide. Right? OF COURSE it's right! But it most likely won't be until they themselves have produced their own precious offspring from their own precious loins. That's when it finally sinks in. But it will happen. Mark my words. It will. I promise. And then on that great and glorious day, you will probably be too tired to do anything but acknowledge their sweet dripping gratitude with just a weary smile and a slow nod of the head.

But I digress. To get to the point...today's PPP is going to be short and sweet. I ran out of time for long and boring. But hopefully it will give you a little food for thought and a wee chuckle to help pull you through "one of those days" that you are undoubtedly going to have today. ☺Sorry, but you know you are!

Read the following quote over and over until it becomes cemented in your brain. Dr. Latham has this quote posted at the end of every single chapter in his book.

"Research has shown that the most effective way to reduce problem behavior in children is to strengthen desirable behavior through positive reinforcement rather than trying to weaken undesirable behavior using aversive or negative processes." (Glenn Latham quoting S.W. Bijou)

That's all for today's post. I told you it was short, but it is HUGE! Give it some thought. In fact, a lot. Now for the chuckle...

If your eyes are as bad as mine, you just might have to click to enlarge...

Yep, that pretty much sums it up.

One more time with the quote...

"Research has shown that the most effective way to reduce problem behavior in children is to strengthen desirable behavior through positive reinforcement rather than trying to weaken undesirable behavior using aversive or negative processes." (Glenn Latham quoting S.W. Bijou)

As always...good luck, and as Dr. Latham used to say:

*BTW~will someone explain to me WHY some pictures will enlarge and others won't? UGH!