*MONDAY MEMOS*
(If pictures are too small, just click to enlarge)
Weekly recap of my rather crazy, insane, but fun and rewarding life!
Weekly recap of my rather crazy, insane, but fun and rewarding life!
dear monday, Christmas Eve today. Definitely one like no other. My sweet Mom went into surgery this morning to have a quadruple bypass. Merry Christmas. I got to talk to her as they were wheeling her in the OR. She seemed in good spirits. I am very nervous. This is big. And she is not. I feel bad she is going to have to go through this at all, let alone during Christmas. But that is how it all played out. We don't often get to choose the timing of our trials. The first update I got from my Dad basically said, "She’s split open - vein removed from leg - heart stopped - doing first bypass . Needs three by passes for sure but possibly up to six. Vitals are good." That was a relief for sure! It was expected to be a 3-4 hour surgery, with a recovery of three hours and on vent for those three. They said they will have her up to walk to bathroom by days end but I’m not counting on that. We will see. My Pa called and told me that she’s being sewn up. It just pains me to think my poor little frail Mom has had to go through all this. She ended up with four bypasses but tons of calcium build up (99% blocked!) so they had to do lots of other stuff for that including taking a vein from her right upper breast side. I really need to be there! But I barely survived the visit yesterday and so I guess this is the right thing to do but it’s still very hard and frustrating. I am grateful it went well and just so grateful she survived it and did well! What a blessing!
My leg is giving me fits! Had so much company today and I really can’t do that. I know tomorrow I’m going to be in a bad way cause I’m not missing Christmas!
Getting up early to set it all out...well I’ll instruct Dave since I can’t be up on it AT ALL or just too much pain. I was in too much pain to set it all up tonight.
I was in my bathroom this morning blowing drying my hair today and I look up and there stands Dawn! Freaked me out!!! So we sat in my very messy (Christmas stuff EVERYWHERE!) room and chatted. I was pretty embarrassed but she said to not worry because it’s Christmas! I worried anyway! Never got my hair finished all day. Haha Should have let her do it when she offered. As soon as she left Dave’s parents came over. His mom told me my hair looked beautiful! I just had to burst out laughing!!! It really wasn’t even combed much!! Geeze! My cute friend Holli stopped by with a huge basket from the bakery at Gardner Village loaded with cookies! Wow! Such a generous gift! Just love that girl!
Pretty exhausted after that and then Bryce’s girlfriend came with her cute kids. They are so adorable. I just am in love with them both! They were playing with Carson and I just felt so much joy having little ones around to bring back the magic of Christmas!
I felt it so strong and was so happy!!! Love all those littles! Boys opened PJs and then got some pix and then Taylor had to leave. He was on call all night at fire station so he actually missed dinner.
Then it was time for dinner. I didn’t get the Christmas dishes out (or let them I should say), and it was just casual. I sat alone in family room. Kinda sad not to do it the traditional way and also without my parents. But, the prime rib was delicious! Nothing like our normal Christmas Eve dinner, but it worked.
After awhile I had to get upstairs to rest. It all just wore me out. No idea how or why, but it did. Leg really hurt tonight and couldn’t find a comfortable place for it even after two hours. Dave came in and turned off TV which woke me up but he wouldn’t let me have it on because even though I have sound down or off (read captions) he said the light makes it so he can’t sleep. But not having it on made it so I can’t sleep. It was a long night! Couldn’t sleep at all because my leg hurt too much and the TV distracts me from that whether I am watching it or not.
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| Man, these guys are handsome!!! |
Had fun watching the kiddos play. Mr. Cat got in on the action too!
Here I lay...all alone on my chair....well, me and Mr. Cat, very early on Christmas morning. Dave's asleep in the bed. I can’t sleep (got a whopping 3 hours last night) and so checked my phone and got a text message 30 min ago saying I have new results on my U of U patient chart. My results are back? I can’t open on my phone cause my password is on computer and I can’t get on computer cause it’s downstairs. So here I sit waiting....slightly freaking out. I hope whoever sent them would wait to send bad news AFTER Christmas but for all I know it’s automated. I’m so scared to even read them. I’m tempted to not tell Dave they’re there and wait until tonight because this could really ruin Christmas. Or make it the Christmas miracle I’ve been praying for. I know whatever they say - there’s a potential to be very life changing for me... and I’m kinda done with life changing things for now. This is nerve wracking. Or there’s the very slim chance Dr. Poretta will call today with them but I’m about 100% sure since it’s Christmas she won’t. But she has been calling me just to see how I’m doing. The clots have her a bit worried. So there’s always a chance. I’m going to pray really hard for that miracle. I could use one about now! Eyes might be Christmas red. But...I think I’ve earned that right. I’m just feeling so overwhelmed right now. I feel like I’ve born my afflictions with patience and I’m trying to endure it all well..... I just need some good news. Well, I read them tonight and they weren't results. Whew. It was just the report from the office visit. So, the waiting continues.
I’m so sad for my sweet Dad spending Christmas in the hospital while he has to watch my poor Mom (who is in ICU) suffer, she’s going to hurt so bad. I would take him dinner and spend time with him if only I could. My bro drove all day Sunday from CA to be with him yesterday and flies back this morning. Just not sure anyone will be with him. Even if people visit - they can’t go sit with him very long or maybe even at all since she’s in ICU. I just feel so bad. But like I wrote on mt fb post, it doesn’t really matter where you are today. Just matters where your heart is. In all the many times Tyson was hospitalized he never had to spent Christmas there. Came close a couple times. He came home on Christmas Eve once... and if it hadn’t been Christmas they wouldn’t have let him come home but having his dad a doctor helped us pull some strings. That was the best Christmas I’ve ever had.
dear tuesday, MERRY CHRISTMAS! 
I hope! Dave and I got up and went downstairs about 5:30 a.m. to set everything up. I have never done that on Christmas morning before and it felt weird but was necessary. He had to help me so much. It was very frustrating for me, but we managed and got it done. But it was exhausting! But somehow we pulled it all off. Ended up having to wait for Bryce to get back because he ran over to Haylies to watch the kids open presents. He’s not feeling well. We didn't even have everyone there and ready until after 9 a.m. But, it always goes so fast once they enter, that it was okay.
I got a Velvet doll from Sky and Sarah. From 1970! I actually cried! I was emotional all day! These two give the best gifts! And they are always so thoughtful in what they come up with. My Dad gave away all my dolls and Barbies. Well, my Mom gave my Barbies to my cousin Shelley's girls, but they were too little and they ruined them. Breaks my heart. But now, I have a Velvet! I also had her cousin Crissy. Brought back such good memories!
Mom's doing great considering ... her BP went waaaay low.... but getting more stable. She’s the one person who shouldn’t have to go through this. Just so frail but she has not once complained about the pain. Quickly changes the subject and then asks how I’m doing. That’s how I know she’s in pain.
I feel like I ruined everyone's Christmas. It wasn't as it would have been if I could have had use of my legs. But, I was also so exhausted emotionally, physically, and mentally, that I knew it had to be this way and it would be okay. The boys were all so grateful and told me to stop worrying about it and thanked me for everything and wondered how I pulled it off. Not sure I did, but close!
The leg was pretty mad at me today. I think eventually the pain becomes so common you just expect it. Having a hard time getting the leg in a comfortable position unless on a recliner. Wish I had one in my room. I need sleep tonight! Fell asleep twice writing this .... gonna try and crash.
I hope! Dave and I got up and went downstairs about 5:30 a.m. to set everything up. I have never done that on Christmas morning before and it felt weird but was necessary. He had to help me so much. It was very frustrating for me, but we managed and got it done. But it was exhausting! But somehow we pulled it all off. Ended up having to wait for Bryce to get back because he ran over to Haylies to watch the kids open presents. He’s not feeling well. We didn't even have everyone there and ready until after 9 a.m. But, it always goes so fast once they enter, that it was okay. 
I spoiled Carson big time, but he deserves it. Sweetest little boy ever! I gave Dave a smoker and I think he was excited.
Busy exhausting day! I sat downstairs all day. It is SO HARD to sit there wanting to do so much but not being able to! What’s the hardest is seeing all the messes and not being able to clean them up myself. I have to tell someone to pick up pieces of paper off the floor or wipe the counters... stove...all surfaces. It’s driving me crazy! My standard of clean isn’t theirs and they just don’t notice it!!! Makes me totally nuts to be honest! The aftermath was overwhelming for me not being able to do anything! I have to learn to let it go. But, Sky did vacuum today! Bryce and Haylie and her kids came over too.
Busy exhausting day! I sat downstairs all day. It is SO HARD to sit there wanting to do so much but not being able to! What’s the hardest is seeing all the messes and not being able to clean them up myself. I have to tell someone to pick up pieces of paper off the floor or wipe the counters... stove...all surfaces. It’s driving me crazy! My standard of clean isn’t theirs and they just don’t notice it!!! Makes me totally nuts to be honest! The aftermath was overwhelming for me not being able to do anything! I have to learn to let it go. But, Sky did vacuum today! Bryce and Haylie and her kids came over too.
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| This was the funniest present ever! When Bryce was about 7 or 8 or so, he wrapped up a piece of bread and gave it to McKay for Christmas because McKay was just little and loved bread. So this year McKay gave a piece back to Bryce. LOL |
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| Such characters! These cuties are what made Christmas magical! |
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| I just love these littles! |
We headed to Dave's parents about 4 or 5 pm. I had to just sit there with my leg elevated on a chair. I was worried it was going to get bumped, but miraculously, it only did a couple times. Aubrey was in Texas and she FaceTimed us and when the phone came to me. ... she burst out crying! Yeah... Then I found out Dave’s mom has been telling everyone I am dying. 
She went out of her way to be nice all day. I could tell she really thinks I am. Haha
She went out of her way to be nice all day. I could tell she really thinks I am. Haha 
I feel like I ruined everyone's Christmas. It wasn't as it would have been if I could have had use of my legs. But, I was also so exhausted emotionally, physically, and mentally, that I knew it had to be this way and it would be okay. The boys were all so grateful and told me to stop worrying about it and thanked me for everything and wondered how I pulled it off. Not sure I did, but close!
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| This little guy brings me such joy!!! He is seriously one of the most amazing little souls I have ever met. I feel so blessed to have him as part of my life! |
My FACEBOOK POST:
As I sit here watching the snow softy fall, I am thinking how this Christmas is definitely one for the history books and not how I would have ever planned or wished it. I also know many of you who are also going through a lot of trials right now as well. But because of those trials, the true meaning of the season has been that much more magnified in our home.
This time every year, my stress level is usually at an all time high as I’m making sure my very long To Do list is getting checked off and every little detail is seen to. There is still a lot of stress this year, but of a totally different kind. I have learned none of those things on my usual very long list truly matters. At this moment as I am down and unable to be on my feet or do much of anything on that list, while I try to get my leg and blood clots to heal and as I still wait for my pathology report to return from the lumpectomy/lymph node surgery, I am desperately wishing I could be at the hospital waiting for my very brave Mom as she is undergoing quadruple bypass surgery right at this moment.
The thought keeps getting expressed by me and others about the terrible timing of it all. But this morning I realized that the timing (though never good) is actually a blessing and another one of those tender mercies I keep receiving.
What better time to be forced to be unable to do much of anything for yourself as you watch your family and friends sacrifice their own To Do lists so they can serve you as the Savior would ?
What better time to be worried with concern and fear for your own health as well as the health and well being of those you dearly love while hands are placed on your head as His name is called upon for the blessings of healing and comfort?
What better time to feel His presence while you watch others wrap presents?
Could there really be a better time to need Him and call upon His healing powers as you watch others serve you as He would, other than this beautiful Christmas season?
As hard and as frustrating as it has been, I wouldn’t trade the timing because this is the greatest time of year when His spirit is in abundance and we all feel Him a little more near.
His birth is the reason we can be healed and supported in our trials. His birth is the reason we can overcome all our weaknesses and return to live with Him again. His birth is the reason we can feel comfort and His love for all mankind.
It truly doesn’t matter where we are or what we are going through this time of year. It only matters that we believe He was born to save us all from our trials, our hardships, our weaknesses, our sins and our illnesses.
He WAS born for YOU. And for me.
Merry Christmas to all of you! May you feel His love and blessings in abundance no matter what is going on in your life.
He lives!
*Be sure to click on this link and watch the video.
A few of the comments:
Kay Foechterle This is such a compelling expression of compassion, love, faith and understanding of the Gospel. Please consider submitting it to the Ensign.
Linda Baugh You just continue to be an inspiration to all of us Jodi. May you be blessed beyond compare ❤️🙂
Tammy Milligan Nichols I just love and adore you Jodi 💜💜💜 You are brave💜You are strong 💜Your an inspiration to us all💜Continuing prayers for all of you! 💜
Lori Moore Such a beautiful testimony of the Savior:). Thank you:). It truly touches my heart, makes me want to be the best person God intended and builds my faith even more. Please let me know when you get your results. You continue to be in my prayers. I thank my Father in Heaven for the day you entered my life, for on that day, I was blessed with a beautifully kind and loving friend, whose heart inspires all around her. Happy New Year, Jodi! I love you:)❤️❤️❤️Tonya Palmer Jackman You are truly a beautiful magnificent woman. Thank you so much for every word that you just said! Love you
dear wednesday, last night I slept from 11:30 until 1:30 am then could not sleep at all! Finally at 8 am I fell asleep until 10. Oh my gosh, that felt good. But it’s the first day I’ve felt noticeable improvement in my leg! I can bend it and not have to keep it in one position while laying here. It feels so good to bend it!!! Even when I hobble to bathroom it isn’t quite as painful and it doesn’t go purple as fast as it has been when not elevated. I’m feeling soooo happy because for first time in 12 days I see the light at end of tunnel and hope it might actually really heal eventually!
I meet with surgeon tomorrow and hoping the pathology report will be back. I’m kinda nervous!! But it will be what it will be and I will just have to go forward no matter what it shows. Staying down has been hard. Very hard!! Feel like I’m losing my mind at times but I decided I can't change it and so I'm going to soak it all in like a spa day that lasts longer (we always want them to last longer right) and let everyone bring me my meals and vacuum my floors (okay that only happened because I had a little melt down that everyone needs to step it up!) and take care of me while I watch whatever I want on TV. Something I never do! So now it's feeling pretty sweet!
We had all the boys here and they were good at trying to get things organized a bit. Carson was so cute playing with his new Christmas toys. He spent a lot of time making me and Grammy pictures. He loves to do that. He sure brightens things up around here. He loved his new Panda door and couch and desk that Santa brought him. Santa worked really hard on that! So cute!
dear thursday, today was a very hard day. Well....deep breath.....as I sigh. I had my post op appt today with Dr. Poretta and got the results back. Good news is the lymph nodes were clean and she thinks she got it all. Bad news is the pathology report shows there’s still more to worry about (she thinks it’s might be the ink she used because she’s confident she got it ) and the tumor was upgraded to a grade 3 which is the highest it can be on the scale. So because of that they have to do more testing to determine if it’s high risk and if it is then I have to do chemo. I asked her from her experience what she thought it would come back as..... she said high risk. So basically the odds I will be needing chemo are very likely even if she got it all because they are overly cautious. I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around this because last time she made it sound like just radiation and no chemo. I totally believed I would not need chemo. I had total faith. Next step is to meet with a radiologist oncologist and then another oncologist to determine what my treatment will be. I’ve had one of the worst days of my life questioning everything including my faith. What good is faith if it doesn’t work? I think I reached rock bottom because I SO DO NOT WANT CHEMO!!!! I don’t want to lose a year of my life feeling sick - not to mention losing my hair. I am the one that never puts anything into my body drug wise for fear of the side effects and what it will do to me long term and now I’m going to literally be poisoning it. For 6 months! Then radiation for another 4-5. Then chemo pills for 5-10 years. What’s hard for me is it sounds like the treatment would be the same IF it had been larger and spread everywhere and I hadn’t caught it early! Maybe I misunderstand all that, but it’s so frustrating! I’m just beyond it all right now. Very discouraged! Very sad! There’s still a chance it will come back low risk but she doesn’t think so based on everything else.This isn’t the news I was hoping for.
I’m trying to be positive but right now I’m feeling even that is over rated at the moment. I’m not ready to tell anyone until the new results get back because I’m not able to accept it yet. I’m even feeling pretty angry about it all . I would rather have a mastectomy than chemo . I don’t know if that’s an option but I honestly would.
Sorry.... but just being real. And needed to vent.
After the appointment we were going to go to Blue Lemon. But, I completely lost my appetite after hearing the results. But Dave went in and ordered us stuff to go. I couldn't eat much. It was raining. My heart was raining inside too. And it came out through the eyes. I tried to just accept it, but I also know it's important to feel your feelings and release them. Dave was being very positive about it all. He says I shouldn't jump to conclusions yet because we just don't know. I'm grateful he is optimistic because that really does help, especially when I am struggling to be.
We stopped in and visited my Mom on the way home. My Dad had just left to run home. He needed the break and I was grateful he was able to go home and get some rest. My Mom looked like she had been through it. It was hard for me to see her like that. I just feel so bad for her and so helpless. She was still in good spirits and cracking jokes like she always does. She was not happy they washed her hair because she doesn't have a blow dryer or curling iron. All of the things I could do for her if I was able to be there! Sigh..... I just feel so bad she has to go through all of this. I was exhausted by the time we got home and I got up the stairs. I was on my leg way too much today. Well, not on it, but not elevating it. Dave has me sit on his knee and he boosts me up one stair at a time. It's quite comical, but works. Hah
Facebook Post:
How cute is this? Notice the rain jacket and storm clouds. I realized after receiving this that the Boston Marathon this year was a metaphor for how this year has ended. You’ve gotta keep running even when the sun is no where to be found and the wind and rain beat down upon you. Keep running when everything on the outside wants to quit and give up. That’s when you draw from your inner strength and determination and push even harder to get to that finish line. Keep running as you rely on the inspiration you receive from others who are running beside you also pushing through the relentless storm giving it all they’ve got. Keep running as you depend on the much needed help you gratefully receive from the aid stations along the way, which without, you would never cross that finish line. Keep running because you are being cheered on by so many who stand out in the storm just to give you the encouragement you need to keep putting one foot in front of the other no matter how hard it gets. Keep running even when the rain beats down harder and the wind gets more intense because you know that storms don’t last forever and you will soon be wrapped in a warm blanket thanking your Father in Heaven for that very storm because of the growth you received that you could have gotten no other way. Keep running because nothing compares to the feeling you get when that medal is placed around your neck knowing you gave it your all and you conquered the storm. * #justkeeprunning #stormsoflife #yougotthis#bostonmonsoonathon2018 #nevergiveup #keeprunning#bostonmarathon2018 #favoriteornament
dear friday, It was a pretty quiet day today. I was home alone. Dave is good to bring me up breakfast before he heads out. Then he makes sure I get something to eat while he's here for lunch. And of course, he is in charge of dinner. I have to say I lucked out in that department. He is very good at making sure I don't starve. LOL
They transferred my mom to a rehab today and I’ve been on phone for an hour trying to talk her into staying. She hates it and says it stinks (literally) and she’s not staying. She is overdue for her pain meds so she is a lot of pain and I'm sure that is why she’s so upset. I think she’s having an anxiety attack too. But she could have a heart attack if she gets too upset. Earlier they didn’t come when she buzzed nurse to help her to bathroom they are not doing their job. I fear for her safety! She almost tripped on tubing that would have been major disaster!!! Could’ve been broken hip - broken stitches - tore open her breast bone. Oh my, I can’t bear the thought! Then the CNA had other tubing strung in bathroom which could have strangled her. My dad had to fix it. Geeze They didn’t give her her pain med when scheduled so she was in intense pain. I could go on and on. Total neglect so I don’t want her staying there either. Geeze. But my dad can’t do it at home alone. This is so maddening that I can't help them. Their only daughter is an invalid. Tiff is there now or I’d be going in down anyway in this condition! I’m so grateful for her! She talked her into staying at least one night. The timing of it all... Once again I feel like I’m being a hypocrite because one of my posts on FB talked about timing too. But this is really tough for me to not be there helping them when they need me. So frustrating! I’m just praying so hard she will be protected from ANYTHING else bad.
dear saturday, it's so frustrating to try and remember what happened each day when you are behind three weeks. Good thing that not much has really happened since I have been under house arrest the whole time. haha It is starting to feel like I am. I think the clots are finally dissolving because I've felt improvement for the first time in almost two weeks a couple days ago. However, Dave is getting concerned because I should have more improvement than I do by now. Since the X-rays showed no broken bones initially, he thinks I need an MRI to rule out a broken bone or something worse. It just feels like something isn't right. I still can't put much weight on it. I KNOW it is broken. I have felt it was since the day it happened.
He was off today. I actually went downstairs today and worked on the poem so it can get sent out asap. It's coming and almost done. Before any of this happened, I prayed that the poem would come easy this year. That prayer was answered thank heavens. Some years, it just won't come together. This year, it really did and I know it was because I had help. Well, that and the fact I have had a LOT of time to work on it which I normally do not. All the boys were here at one point or another. It's always nice to have them around. They help keep me in good spirits.
Since my leg was feeling a bit better today, I decided to sleep in my bed instead of the chair. I am able to turn it without the pain shooting through the roof. I’m seriously thinking of taking a sleeping pill tonight (something I never do- maybe once in my lifetime) because I am so stressed right now between my mom - my leg - the cancer! I’m just overwhelmed once again . This is all so much to assimilate at once. It's definitely easier at times than others. I just wish my leg would feel better even for just a couple hours! And yes - I have been taking pain meds for it but only one at night once in awhile so I can get at least a few hours sleep. Gonna go try to at least close my eyes before the sun comes up.
I fell asleep so didn’t take pain meds or a sleeping pill but was bright eyed and bushy tailed at 2:30 am! Text my Dad all night long since he wasn’t getting any sleep either. Mom was up several times to go to the bathroom...oh, my poor Dad. Sigh..... Here are few pix he sent me.
My leg has been worse today than in awhile. Dave told me he’s worried I might have RLD? Something that you can get from trauma injuries which means it will NEVER stop hurting for the rest of your life. He’s just worried why two weeks out it’s still so painful. Yeah me too! If I have an MRI I have to schedule three! They can’t just do the whole leg but only sections.
I prayed for over an hour and had a real long talk with God. He knows my frustrations. I just pleaded for him to heal my leg soon. I need it pretty bad right now. I can’t heal it, only He can so I turned it over to Him and His will. It’s out of my hands. I have the faith to be healed I just need His will.
I’m sitting here thinking of so many blessings I have been given through this. First and foremost are the people. I was greatly blessed with an amazing surgeon. Not a coincidence that I ended up at the Huntsman at the U of U. Had I not gone to lunch with my friend Colleen that one day I wouldn’t have. Huge blessings from that. I’ve been overwhelmed by so many friends who have been so amazing and sweet. The list of gifts and cards is huge. I feel bad I haven't taken photos of them all. You really find out how many friends you have in situations like this. But there are six who really stand out that have visited several times- brought meals - gifts - but what stands out the most is they have written me very deep and spiritual messages basically every single day. I’m blown away that they take the time to check on me - to encourage me- to listen to me - to send me quotes and thoughts and spiritual messages. It’s not even what they send but it’s the amount of time they sacrifice to do it. I’m amazed. And their concern for me has been so humbling. I literally spend about 2-3 hours a day responding to people. It has taught me I need to do better at that when the roles are reversed. I’m always good to check on people take in a meal or treat or gift but the daily consistency with which these guys have shown is not something I excel at. And it helps me so much! I need to do better at that for others. I’m not sure how they don’t get tired of it. Just blows me away.
All the tender mercies I’ve had along the way with this ordeal blows me away too. Even though I sometimes feel I’m being picked on or punished- there’s been SO many undeniable things happen that is clearly God’s hand as He tries to show me He loves me and is close by. I need to start a list. I believe you see more of that when you keep track of them. This whole thing has sucked beyond sucking but there has also been so much good too. Heidi W. left a framed quote on my porch:
The devil whispered in my ear, “You’re not strong enough to withstand the storm”. I whispered back, “I am the storm”. There were two purple seashells with it and a note saying they are straight from the Florida coast and that they saw orange shells all day so she whispered a prayer saying, “I want a purple one for Jodi”. She said, “No lie. These two appeared and we didn’t see any more the rest of the trip so consider them my lucky shells.”
I just wish His Will was the same as mine. I prayed, pleaded and begged He would heal my leg quickly. I’m even okay if I can’t walk for a while as long as it will heal and I can have my life back. I did everything but bargain. Maybe I need to do that too. I can think of a lot of things I can offer Him if He will heal me quickly. Things I can improve myself on and ways I can serve Him better.
I also realized I need to acknowledge my strength comes from Him . I’ve heard over and over people saying how strong I am and that if anyone can do this it’s me and how tough I am and that kind of thing constantly and I think that offends Him a bit and I think He is trying to give me a message by saying my strength is BECAUSE OF HIM. And I need to acknowledge that. That’s another big lesson I’m learning. As it says in Alma 26:12 something like, “I know I am nothing - as to my own strength I am weak. Therefore I will not boast of myself but I will boast of my God. For in His strength I can do all things.” I need to acknowledge Him in my strength.
When I read in a message a friend sent me the phrase “there’s a rainbow 
up ahead” it caught my attention because that’s the third time I’ve been told that. Yesterday a friend (Janet) said she saw rainbows on the floor of the celestial room because of the way the sun was hitting the windows. She said she felt inspired to tell me that the beautiful rainbow doesn’t come until after the storm and the sun is shining again.
I keep getting the message that I’m in a huge scary storm and I have to hold on tight and have faith that storms don’t last forever even though it feels they do when you are inside the eye of one, but there are always great blessings after it ceases.... aka the rainbow .
I keep going back to my love of lighthouses and how symbolic they are and I just need to hold on until I’m back at that safe harbor.
Jen and I have been texting frequently and the current topic is faith. I struggled because I had the faith to move mountains that I wouldn’t have to have chemo and I still might need it. So we’ve been chatting about that. I gave her this big analogy of how I see it (now I’ve quit questioning it ) about a cookie...
Here’s part of it my response :
Thank you for reminding me how strong my faith is even when I doubt that. It’s just so dang hard sometimes to accept the outcome of things when your faith is so strong you know it could move mountains. But I also know like you said it comes down to what His will is. And deep down I’ve always known I’m not always going to get what I want no matter how much faith I have in the outcome. I have to believe that even though our unshakeable faith doesn’t always produce the results we want - that it isn’t wasted either. There are great blessings we receive from even having the faith the size of a mustard seed and even just having the desire to believe. I think of it as a small child asking for a cookie and wanting it so badly and believing his mother will give him one BECAUSE he wants it so badly, but she says, “No- not right now, not until after your dinner.” The child cries and protests because cookies taste so much better than dinner. But the mother knows the child needs the nutrients of dinner so he can grow strong. She may feel a bit sad she can’t accommodate his wishes, but has the strength to say no because she sees the big picture of the outcome. Sometimes she might even say yes because giving the child a cookie before dinner once in a while won’t matter in the long run. And having the knowledge she has that the child doesn’t yet understand why he can’t always get one makes it easy to withhold that cookie. And even when the child cries and thinks she is mean because he just doesn’t understand yet - she does what is best anyway. For she knows when he grows up he will thank her for withholding a blessing he thought he wanted more than life itself.
It really is that simple but it’s also a paradox because it’s so hard to understand when YOU are the one that wants a blessing so badly. And hard to understand why sometimes He does gives us what we ask for even when our faith is the same as when He doesn’t and it’s unchanged. In the long run I know I will be grateful He is making the decisions and not giving me all those cookies I keep begging for right now. And even though I was really doubting the reason for even having faith if it doesn’t always give us what we are having the faith for....I still have the faith that faith is never wasted.
dear random,Taylor went to Montana but I forgot to post it when he did and so here are some of the pix.
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| How sad that the last drive in theater is closing. I have many good memories at the Motor Vu. |
Venting: (I really don't want to forget how I as feeling during this when it's all over because I think I need to remember what it was like without it being sugar coated).
I stayed up in my room all day and we have a house full of peeps but I’m feeling very anti social. Guess it’s common with things like this. No wonder - running was my therapy and now not only can’t I run I can’t even walk! I can barely hobble. I need a good run.
If I could just sleep I think that would help but three hours a night (and I can’t nap during day) isn’t enough. I’m praying I can sleep tonight. I’m so tired but that doesn’t seem to matter. I’m just feeling depressed and that's not like me.
I try to go down when peeps are here but it exhausts me so I didn’t feel like it today. This is not like me... just feel sad...defeated...exhausted.. bleh...can’t even fake being happy.
I wonder if I’ll ever have my normal life back again? I wonder if I’ll ever be able to run again? Or even walk? Or even drive? I can’t even imagine how painful driving would be right now. Owwwwwww....... pushing on the pedals would be excruciating.
They say this too shall pass but it’s hard to see that. Right now it feels like this going to last forever. Don’t take your health - your body - and especially your legs for granted! Just don’t. I never will again. Or walking. Just going to the bathroom is a major achievement.
