Happy in the Hard

*I published on a post a few weeks ago another article I wrote titled "Expect Miracles".  This is a different version of that, but with some repeats.  This one will be published on the American Mother's state website.

Happy in the Hard

Last year my longtime dream of running the Boston Marathon came to fruition for the second time. I was on cloud nine with great hopes of running it yet again in the future. Then, without warning, things took a sharp turn. Adversity seemed to strike in the blink of an eye without notifying me or alerting me it was on its way.

One of my all-time favorite quotes is by Martha Washington, who said, “I've learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our disposition and not on our circumstances.”

I always thought I believed that, but then life happened.

I’ve always tried to maintain a high level of fitness and health, but I learned firsthand that life is fragile and no matter how much we take care of ourselves, our bodies can still sell us out and surprise us with things we never anticipated.

Beginning in the late November last year, I was told I had a herniated disk. While I was trying to process that in my mind and how it would affect me as a runner I was diagnosed with breast cancer. That news came out of nowhere. Then two weeks before Christmas a fun family outing resulted in a snowmobile crushing my right leg from the knee to my ankle, breaking my fibula and tearing all my ligaments. At the time I did not fully realize the extent of the damage or how long the recovery would be. Showing up three days later for my cancer surgery in a wheelchair was not part of my plan. The surgery went as well as could be expected, but the following day I was diagnosed with blood clots in my leg. You could say I was feeling a bit overwhelmed, but also very grateful the clots were discovered (thanks to my physician husband) which literally saved my life. Still, I was unable to walk or put any weight on my leg and so I was basically laid up for several months. Not wanting to be left out of the party I was having, my mom was rushed to the hospital with chest pain and ended up having a quadruple bypass on Christmas Eve. Due to my current situation, I regretfully was unable to be there. How grateful I was that her 99% blockage hadn’t resulted in any permanent damage.

With my mom’s trauma under control my focus centered on treating my breast cancer.  Having had friends go through chemotherapy and radiation, I had an unsettling fear and worry about the whole process.  Although my surgeon was fairly certain I would need chemotherapy, I was grateful when my oncotype score revealed I would only need five weeks of radiation. During this time I was also diagnosed with severe osteoporosis, but my oncologist still insisted I be on hormone therapy pills for the next 10 years. Despite all that, the relief of not being subjected to chemotherapy was perhaps the best Christmas present I have ever received.

My activity came to a complete stop as I convalesced for the next several months. This was foreign to me. I had to use a walker for the very little activity I could do, like getting in the shower or going to doctor appointments and radiation treatments at the Huntsman. Just putting on a single sock in the morning took a good five minutes or more. It was rather comical. I began to see how much I took for granted in my pre-injured life and was filled with deep gratitude for all the things I could still do. 

It wasn’t all bad however. Being forced to slow down in my daily life was actually kind of sweet. I just pretended that I was in a luxurious spa every day where people brought me three meals a day and took care of all my previous obligations, while I sat around watching old movies and catching up on my reading. Truth be told, I actually did very little reading because it took too much brain power. My brain was working overtime trying to heal a very long list of ailments and there was little energy left in it for much else. Kind of how motherhood makes you feel at times!  However, it was a nice respite from the fast paced life I was used to and not having a to-do list other than healing was freeing.

Despite the slower pace, this was a very challenging and frustrating time for me, but I knew I had a choice in how I responded. Early on I decided that I was going to focus on three things as I tried to patiently endure. I was going to approach this time with positivity, gratitude and humor. It wasn’t always easy, but making that decision going into it really helped me pull through some rough patches and made it possible to find happiness in the hard.

In March I received news that my talus (ankle) bone had died due to a lack of blood flow. The specialist called it avascular necrosis (AVN). He told me that due to the injury I would no longer be able to run. I was devastated. Those who know me know that is even worse than asking me to give up chocolate!  Running is one of my greatest blessings.  It is my therapy. Despite this news, I was filled with deep gratitude that I would at least walk normally again. However, the stubbornness in me chose to focus on the hope that I would run eventually.

In June I decided to see another specialist to get a second opinion and a new MRI. Thankfully, after much prayer and fasting, this doctor told me that my ankle was alive and there were no signs of AVN. I was gratefully stunned at the miracle I had received. As I write this, things are starting to get back to normal, and even though running is still in the far distant future, I am filled with gratitude that it is now a possibility.

Circumstances in life are not always ideal.  In fact, most of the time they aren’t. So, how can we still be happy when life gets hard?

We all have challenges in our lives and we will have more in the future. That is a given. Most of them we can’t change or control. We can only control how we choose to react to them. One thing we know for certain is that we all only have a limited number of days here on earth. Each day we can either choose to focus on what we don’t have or focus on all we do have and be grateful for it. If we put our focus on gratitude and being positive, we can learn to laugh through our toughest challenges and we will feel the joy. 

In my home I have a sign with a quote by Gordon Hinckley. It says, “In all of living have much fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured.”  That is pure wisdom right there, but ofttimes, we think we are only going to find joy once our trials and hardships are removed, when the truth is joy can be found  right in the midst of our adversity. Happiness is in the journey.  Cherish the moments.

Time is so precious. Life is a gift. It is truly a miracle. It is ours for the embracing. Embrace it. Enjoy it. And while doing so reach for and find that joy despite what your circumstances may currently be. The choice is yours.

“Joy is a mystery because it can happen anywhere, anytime, even under the most unpromising circumstances, even in the midst of suffering, with tears in its eyes....”

― Frederick Buechner