Happy in the Hard
Last year my longtime dream of running the Boston
Marathon came to fruition for the second time. I was on cloud nine with great
hopes of running it yet again in the future. Then, without warning, things took
a sharp turn. Adversity seemed to strike in the blink of an eye without
notifying me or alerting me it was on its way.
One of my all-time favorite quotes is by Martha
Washington, who said, “I've learned from experience that the greater part of our
happiness or misery depends on our disposition and not on our circumstances.”
I always thought I believed that, but then life
happened.
I’ve always tried to
maintain a high level of fitness and health, but I learned firsthand that life
is fragile and no matter how much we take care of ourselves, our bodies can
still sell us out and surprise us with things we never anticipated.
Beginning in the late
November last year, I was told I had a herniated disk. While I was trying to
process that in my mind and how it would affect me as a runner I was diagnosed
with breast cancer. That news came out of nowhere. Then two weeks before
Christmas a fun family outing resulted in a snowmobile crushing my right leg
from the knee to my ankle, breaking my fibula and tearing all my ligaments. At
the time I did not fully realize the extent of the damage or how long the
recovery would be. Showing up three days later for my cancer surgery in a
wheelchair was not part of my plan. The surgery went as well as could be
expected, but the following day I was diagnosed with blood clots in my leg. You
could say I was feeling a bit overwhelmed, but also very grateful the clots
were discovered (thanks to my physician husband) which literally saved my life. Still,
I was unable to walk or put any weight on my leg and so I was basically laid up
for several months. Not wanting to be left out of the party I was having,
my mom was rushed to the hospital with chest pain and ended up having a
quadruple bypass on Christmas Eve. Due to my current situation, I regretfully
was unable to be there. How grateful I was that her 99% blockage hadn’t
resulted in any permanent damage.
With my mom’s trauma
under control my focus centered on treating my breast cancer. Having had friends go through chemotherapy and
radiation, I had an unsettling fear and worry about the whole process. Although my surgeon was fairly certain I
would need chemotherapy, I was grateful when my oncotype score revealed I would
only need five weeks of radiation. During this time I was also diagnosed with
severe osteoporosis, but my oncologist still insisted I be on hormone therapy
pills for the next 10 years. Despite all that, the relief of not being
subjected to chemotherapy was perhaps the best Christmas present I have ever
received.
My activity came to a
complete stop as I convalesced for the next several months. This was
foreign to me. I had to use a walker for the very little activity I could do,
like getting in the shower or going to doctor appointments and radiation
treatments at the Huntsman. Just putting on a single sock in the morning took a
good five minutes or more. It was rather comical. I began to see how
much I took for granted in my pre-injured life and was filled with deep
gratitude for all the things I could still do.
It wasn’t all bad
however. Being forced to slow down in my daily life was actually kind of sweet. I
just pretended that I was in a luxurious spa every day where people brought me
three meals a day and took care of all my previous obligations, while I sat
around watching old movies and catching up on my reading. Truth be told, I
actually did very little reading because it took too much brain power. My brain
was working overtime trying to heal a very long list of ailments and there was
little energy left in it for much else. Kind of how motherhood makes you feel
at times! However, it was a nice respite from the fast paced life I was
used to and not having a to-do list other than healing was freeing.
Despite the slower
pace, this was a very challenging and frustrating time for me, but I knew I
had a choice in how I responded. Early on I decided that I was going to focus
on three things as I tried to patiently endure. I was going to approach this
time with positivity, gratitude and humor. It wasn’t always easy, but making
that decision going into it really helped me pull through some rough patches
and made it possible to find happiness in the hard.
In March I received news that my talus (ankle) bone had died due to a
lack of blood flow. The specialist called it avascular necrosis (AVN). He told
me that due to the injury I would no longer be able to run. I was devastated. Those who know me know that is
even worse than asking me to give up chocolate! Running is one of my
greatest blessings. It is my therapy. Despite this news, I was
filled with deep gratitude that I would at least walk normally again. However,
the stubbornness in me chose to focus on the hope that I would run eventually.
In June I decided to see another specialist to get a second opinion and
a new MRI. Thankfully, after much prayer and fasting, this doctor told me that my ankle was alive and there were no signs of
AVN. I was gratefully stunned at the miracle I had received. As I write
this, things are starting to get back to normal, and even though running is
still in the far distant future, I am filled with gratitude that it is now a
possibility.
Circumstances in life are not always
ideal. In fact, most of the time they
aren’t. So, how can we still be happy when life gets hard?
We all have challenges in our lives and we
will have more in the future. That is a given. Most of them we can’t change or
control. We can only control how we choose to react to them. One thing we know for certain is that
we all only have a limited number of days here on earth. Each day we can either choose to focus on
what we don’t have or focus on all we do have and be grateful for it. If we put
our focus on gratitude and being positive, we can
learn to laugh through our toughest challenges and we will feel the joy.
In my home I have a sign with a quote
by Gordon Hinckley. It says, “In all of living have much fun and laughter. Life
is to be enjoyed, not just endured.”
That is pure wisdom right there, but ofttimes, we think we are only going to find joy once our trials and hardships
are removed, when the truth is joy can be found right in the midst of our adversity. Happiness
is in the journey, so cherish the moments.
Time is so precious. Life is a gift. It is truly a miracle.
It is ours for the embracing. Embrace it. Enjoy it. And while doing so reach
for and find that joy despite what your circumstances may currently be. The
choice is yours.
-Jodi
Wilding
